This is how I feel...always.

“When you're surrounded by all these people, it can be lonelier than when you're by yourself. You can be in a huge crowd, but if you don't feel like you can trust anyone or talk to anybody, you feel like you're really alone.” ― Fiona Apple this is how i always feel it seems like. when you suiffer from depression it really seems like no one cares. you scream and you cry, and you beg for somone to understand you, to help you, to hold you. but really its like your drowning in water getting deeper and deeper and everyone is sitting there watching you drown but doing nothing to help you. the way i scream and cry is by posting my feelings on fb (and now on here) not having replies every time makes me feel like no one cares. which rationally i know probably isnt true, they probably just dont know what to say...but not saying anything at all does more harm. but really there is no rationality in bipolar. I have family that suffers with depression...but we dont talk about it. I try to some times, but they dont want to really acknowledge i have an illness thats so severe. and really its just easier for me to down play my emotions. like last time i was admitted for a week, i said it was for a med change. i doubt my parents really wanted to know i was there for my own safety. because i told my doctor i was going to kill myself. but thats why i was there. i have friends who have mental health issues, and you would think that they would be the most understanding...becuase i know i am when they vent to me. but mostly i get ignored texts, subject changes amd "i dont know what to say about" that when i cry for them to help me....am i really that bad off that even my bipolar (and other ilness') friends dont know what to do with me? Honestly the only person who is always there for me is brant, but is that really fair to put so much of my issues on his schoulders? he has big shoulders and he lvoes me deeply. but he shouldnt have to cover the slack from everyone else who supposdly also love me. i just want to understand why no one else seems to care. why no one in this world seems to get me. i just want to be loved, hugged and to feel understood.

appointment today...

So last week i had a crisis appointment with my shrink (i call him that because i have issues with spelling lol) we upped my meds and booked an appointment to see him again today. so the graphic images i have in my brain (will post more about those later) are not as frequent, and i find actually when i get them i am starting to be able to distract myself. blogging as been a great tool for this so far. My doc says this is great and is 110% on board with using blogging to distract and cope with my negative thoughts. so i am gonna really try to keep at it. plus maybe ppl will have a tiny idea what its like to be in my brain...if anyone actually reads this lol. anyways i cant work. not just becuase of my severe back issues but also because of my mental health issues. so i am applying to canada pension (CPP) to try and get some money every month. my doctor filled out the form no problem. thought i would share what he said before i send it in. its very surreal seeing it for the first time written down. i am not really sure what to think. anyways so it starts off mentioning my hospital admissions, both of them stating one was for being suicidal and psycotic, the 2nd time for being suicuidal and depressed. then he says... "patient has severe mood disorder, and is unable to manage a work setting due to symptoms of depression, sucidiality, severe anxiety, and occasional psycotic breaks" then TALKS ABOUT MY MEDS AND THE THERAPY I DID. (OOPS sorry hit caps and i am lazy) then just talks again about my dx, and that i require regualar visits with him and frequent crisis appointments. i think the reasons he says mood disorder and not bipolar 2 (as i was dx that by another dr a few years ago) because of the pyscotic breaks i have had. that could be a sign of bipolar 1.....but i tend to have more depression..which is more like bipolar 2,. so we are a little confuse with which one I have. anyways going to feed the kids now and go watch dancefest at aurora's school...shes an awesome dancer.

look whos back!!!

So i have decided to go back to blogging to help distract me from my depression and give me a place to let my thoughts out. hoping this will help me. now apparently i haven't used this blog in like 3 years....ooops. I thought about deleting everything and starting new but i like reading the old posts so for now i decided to keep them. the biggest change since my last post is I had another baby! sebastian was born may 23 2011. hes my little clomid baby...but we did get pregnant on the first round of it. he will be 2 this month and she just totally brighten our family up making it the perfect 2 boys and 2 girls. couldnt have asked for anything better. hes happy and healthy. regarding my bipolar, i did have a problem after the baby was born..post partem pyscosis..it was intense. maybe i'll save the details for another post entry, but basically i tried to end it all and ended up in the hospital in the pysch ward for almost 2 months. i got a great pyscatrist from it though and he follows me. i adore him, couldnt of asked for a better doctor. I was admited another time a couuple months ago, i was at risk of harming myself...but that was only a week stay and i was better. hospital admissions seem to be a part of bipolar for me, i try to advoid them when i can (cuz really they suck), but really i do want to live so if i know i am going to hurt myself i now know how to get help so that my kids still have thier mother. anyways thats my update on this blog. i have 3 that i will be trying to update regualarily.

update on me...

I am going to try and be more uptdate on this blog. i know its been a long time since I have written on it.

Back in January I had a mental breakdown. i was very suicidal and so brant brought me to the ER. they almost hospitlized me, but agreed I could go home as long as brant was there to watch me and give me my meds. i took a week off work untill the new meds kicked in.

ever since then things have been great in regards to my mood swings. i havn't even felt depressed since then. Even when lilia was admitted to the CCU a few weeks ago.

Although I did start binge eating, my meds and my PCOS made me gain weight even when i was staying strictly on WW. So i gave up and started biging. I lsot control and wasnt able to stick to WW at all...it did get me depressed. So last week i joined Over eats anon. it was great. made me realize that my over eating/binge eating is an illness, an addiction. Understanding that, has helped me so much. and i havnt binged since sunday. Even though i am really wanting to. its a hard addiction to break. But i will do my hardest. i really want to go back to losing weight. I can reach my goal eventually.

Now me and rbant have deicded to start ttcing our 4th and final child. Despite other ppl not agreeing that we should have anymore. Screw em, we are adults and we deicded what to do in our life.

So i start CLomid, in a couple weeks since i have PCOS I am not ovulating and will need to concieve this last child. Which sucks. but I am sure i will post a ton about that.

i am swtiching my meds too, to a med less likly to cause weight gain, and is better for a baby. so that and starting clomid i might be a little crazy. Baar with me lol.

Feeling normal ..

So i'm feeling like my "normal" self these last few days. Whcih is great. I sleep well, I am really rather cheerful..days like this make me wonder why I am even on meds, or why i think anything is wrong. I think thats one reason it took me so long to seek help, I would think Iw as over it..or that i had jsut been having a rough few days. But the lows always come back, and I reliaze now I shouldnt have to feel like that, ever.

The one bad thing about feeling normal, i always feel like I am on edge..waiting for the lows to come back..the waiting to committ suicide, pushing all my friends and fmaily away, I hate the lows and i now they will come back..they always do.

normal?

The last couple days I have felt pretty normal. Not depressed and not hypo.

then today I am jsut sitting here reading e mails, and I get the urge to slice my wrists open. Wtf? so now I am getting sucidla thoughts even when I am normal? I dont want to kill myself..why do i think this way? its very upsetting. And when i think it I see it graphically in my mind. the blood pouring everywhere, etc..then i start to think that it would be a nice idea..untill i shake my head and go on with my day. I dont have any plans (as my shrink would ask) but why does it pop into my head?

2 week appointment

So its been 2 weeks since I got put on meds, I was started on a very low dose of respiridone at first. it really didn't do anything for me, my moods are still very up and down, and my lows are very low. Like i want to slit my wrists kinda lows. Not a fun time. So he uped the dose today and if it still doenst work we will talk about adding another med.

I really wnat this to work, like today i was feeling so down i called in sick to work. Which was probabaly good anyways as the appointment took a lot longer then i thought it was going to. But now I am feeling very low, and very worried that i will lsoe my job. So now i wonder if i should tell my boss what i am going through, they are very understanding ppl.

But I'll deal with that later. Right now i just have to get through the day without slitting my wrists.