*sigh*

I just want to feel cared about, to feel loved and wanted. (not by hubby....he always makes me feel loved and wanted) but by other friends and family. i feel like an unwanted outcast most days. i dont know if its me or the illness. what makes me feel this way? i just want ppl to show that they care...even just by little things.

Confessions of a cutter *could cause triggers*

So everyone knows that since my hospital admission 1.5 years ago i have been very open on fb and lm about my mental health. i am not ashamed, and i hope to gain awareness and compassion by telling my story. Anyways one thing i havnt really talked about is my cutting..my self harm. only those close to me, and doctors know whats really gone on with that. I have always lied to my family about it. well today i thought i was posting on a closed bipolar group (where ppl who are not members cannot see what you write) but it was actually on the 1 open bipolar group (where anyone can see what you wrote) so since ppl on my fb may have seen it i should just be open and talk about it. its something i have been through, a very hard thing to talk about...but i am not ashamed. just dont bring it up at christmas dinner please lol. anyways, i was bipolar all through my teen years although un diganosed, then in my 20's i was dx as depressed. well while i was mis dx I was put on a drug called paxil. well one thing about those with bipolar..is that antideprsants on their own can make you manic. i went crrrrrazy, i believe now knowing what i know that i was in a mixed state for a long time. I was living with brant in windsor, before we were married at the time. and i wanted to kill myself, I took knife and tried to slit my wrists. i was not brave enough to press hard enough, but the pain...seeing the blood it gave me a kind of high. and soon i was addicted. i was cutting every half hour..or less. i was a mess. soon i started carving words like "worthless" "fat" and "ugly" on my thighs. lukily those were not hard enough to scar. but my fav spot was my arms and they were really bad. a little while later i got a job at timmies, it got me out of the house..making money, getting complimented about my work...i felt a bit better. but i was still cutting at home. i couldnt stop. once i even cut at the bathroom at work with the sharp edges of a can. ppl asked all the time, i would blame the cat. but you can tell by the look in their eyes that they didnt beleive me. i had to wear long sleeves, or be asked a million questions. It was hot and embarassing. finally i got pregnant with aurora and i just felt better..i didnt feel the need to cut. but when i was really stressed or in a mixed stated i still would do it (after i had her) when lilia was born i did not cut even once during her 6.5 month battle for life. i was just so focused on her...i didnt even think that much about me and my pain. she was top piroity. afterwards i think i did a few times but it happened few and far between. finally i hadnt done it for years...then i had a pyscotic break down when sebastian was 4 months old (see my post partem post) but i can honestly say that was my last time. i hardly even think about it anymore...even when really depressed or in a mixed state its not what i resort to anymore. I have learned better coping methods. i will admit that if i see somone cutting themselves, or pictures...things we call triggers. i will crave the pain and blood again. but i dont give in..i dont want to go back to that..it was hell. last time i counted i had over 100 scars on my body...a lot more have faded (with some help) but others are still visible. but i am not ashamed....they are my war wounds..and i did win the battle.

Depression is like cancer

“Sadness is more or less like a head cold - with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.” ― Barbara Kingsolver, The Bean Trees I found this quote on a website of quotes about bipolar and depression. I think it is a strong accurate statement. I got in shit for it from a FB friend and unfriended becuase i refused to see it as insulting. I do not wish to debate this, but i will post my thoughts on why i believe this quote is true. first my grandmother died in november after a long strugle with breast cancer, my grandfather had prostate cancer and died from skin cancer...my husbands best friend died about 4 years ago from a cancer that killed him in less then a year, my sister has had skin cancer a few times. i have had friends whos children has had cancer as well...i see the struggles and pain, and althought my child did not have cancer (but she is at high risk for it) i saw her struggle to surivive. my point is quoting this quote is not to make less of those who have or are suffereing with cancer, but to point out how much those who have depression also suffer. cancer is illness, one that can be fairly easily dx, you need treatment to surivive, and it will be the fight of your life and even might end it. The same is true of depression, we struggle to surivive...against the dark thoughts, the self harm and suicide wants and even attempts. bipolar depression can not be cured, it can only be managed by treatments of meds and therapy's. and even then we have dark days. cancer affects the whole family....well so does depression..some days we cant get out of bed, we find it hard to live let alone look after and be around our loved ones. Depression can also cause physical pain. the only difference is when you have cancer your not told to snap out of it, or its just your hormonnes, your not called crazy and told to take your meds becuase you have an opinion somone doesnt agree with. your allowed to shout from the roof tops I BEAT CANCER, there are t shirts and tons of fundraisers...pink everywhere. if you are fighting cancer you are brave and loved..if you are fighting depression people dont even want to be around you. we are told to keep our depression secret, its shameful. i'm not saying those with depression have it worse, i just dont think its unfair to say that yes depression is like cancer.

new dx...

I dont know how i feel about this.So I asked my doctor if he thinks my dx of bipolar 2 is accurate? (I was dx by another dr) he sai ppl could argue a case for me for 1 or 2. but He thinks I am bipolar 1 with pyscotic features..but I don't go as deep into mania as a typical bipolar 1...so I am not a typical case. Just like lilia my dx arnt as clear cut either lol. he also agrees with the severe GAD (general anxiety disorder). i dont know what to think or feel, i told my mom about this and shes just like Ok. brant is a bit bummed becuase it is worse. ppl with bipolar are more likly to die of suicide. and bipolar 1 with pyscosis...is nothing to laugh at it. heres something i found. "Suicide, which is both a stereotypic yet highly individualized act, is a common endpoint for many patients with severe psychiatric illness. The mood disorders (depression and bipolar manic-depression) are by far the most common psychiatric conditions associated with suicide. At least 25% to 50% of patients with bipolar disorder also attempt suicide at least once." i also read somewhere that those who suffere from mixed episodes (which i do) or those who have pyscosis are more likly to commit suicide. What Are Mixed Episodes in Bipolar Disorder? Mixed episodes in bipolar disorder are a form of mental illness. In most forms of bipolar disorder, moods alternate between elevated and depressed over time. A person with mixed episodes experiences both mood "poles" -- mania and depression -- simultaneously or in rapid sequence. Technically, mixed episodes are described only in people with bipolar I disorder (not bipolar II disorder), although this distinction is expected to change as the psychiatric diagnostic classification system is currently being revised. Who Gets Mixed Bipolar Disorder? Virtually anyone can develop bipolar disorder. About 2.5% of the U.S. population suffers from some form of bipolar disorder – nearly 6 million people. Mixed episodes are common in people with bipolar I disorder. Estimates vary widely, but between 20% and 70% of people with bipolar disorder experience mixed episodes. Those who develop bipolar disorder at a younger age, particularly in adolescence, may be more likely to have mixed episodes. People who develop mixed episodes may also develop "pure" depressed or "pure" manic or hypomanic phases of bipolar illness. Most people are in their teens or early 20s when symptoms from bipolar disorder first start. Nearly everyone with mixed episodes develop bipolar disorder before age 50. People who have an immediate family member with bipolar are at higher risk. What Are the Symptoms of a Mixed Episode? Mixed episodes of bipolar disorder are defined by symptoms of mania and depression that occur at the same time, or in rapid sequence. Mania in mixed episodes usually involves irritability, racing thoughts and speech, and overactivity or agitation. Depression in mixed bipolar disorder is similar to "regular" depression, with feelings of sadness, loss of interest in activities, low energy, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide. This may seem impossible -- how can someone be manic and depressed at the same time? Because mixed manic episodes are a form of mental illness, they defy any predictable pattern of feelings or behavior. For example, a person in a mixed manic episode could be crying uncontrollably while announcing they have never felt better in their life. Or they could be exuberantly happy, only to suddenly collapse in misery. A short while later they might suddenly return to an ecstatic state. Mixed manic episodes can last from days to weeks or sometimes months, if untreated. Mixed episodes may recur and recovery can be slower than during episodes of "pure" bipolar depression or "pure" mania or hypomania. What Are the Risks of Mixed Episodes in Bipolar Disorder? The most serious risk of mixed bipolar disorder is suicide. People with bipolar disorder are 10 to 20 times more likely to commit suicide than people without bipolar disorder. Tragically, 8% to 20% of people with bipolar disorder eventually lose their lives to suicide. Evidence shows that during mixed episodes, people may be at even higher risk for suicide than people in episodes of bipolar depression. Treatment reduces the likelihood of serious depression and suicide. Lithium in particular, taken long term, reduces the risk. People with bipolar disorder are also at higher risk for substance abuse. Nearly 60% of people with bipolar disorder abuse drugs or alcohol. Substance abuse is associated with more severe or poorly controlled bipolar disorder. What Are the Treatments for Mixed Episodes of Bipolar Disorder? Mixed manic episodes generally require treatment with medication. Unfortunately, mixed episodes are more difficult to control than other episode types of bipolar disorder. The main drugs used to treat mixed manic episodes are mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. Mood Stabilizers While lithium is often considered a gold standard treatment for mania, it is thought to be less effective when mania and depression occur simultaneously, as in a mixed episode. Lithium has been used for more than 60 years to treat bipolar disorder. It can take weeks to work fully, making it better for maintenance treatment than for acute manic episodes. Blood levels of lithium must be monitored to avoid side effects. Depakote is an antiseizure medication that also levels out moods. It has a more rapid onset of action, and in some studies has been shown to be more effective than lithium for the treatment of mixed episodes. Depakote is also sometimes used "off-label" for prevention of mixed manic episodes. Some other antiseizure drugs, such as Tegretol, are also effective mood stabilizers. Antipsychotics Many atypical antipsychotic drugs are effective, FDA-approved treatments for mixed episodes. These include Zyprexa, Abilify, risperidone, Seroquel, Geodon, and Saphris. Antipsychotic drugs are also sometimes used alone or in combination with mood stabilizers for preventive treatment. Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) Despite its frightening reputation, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) is an effective treatment for mixed manic episodes. ECT can be helpful if medication fails or can't be used. Treatment for Depression in Mixed Bipolar Disorder Common antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil have been shown to worsen mania symptoms during mixed episodes without necessarily improving depressive symptoms. Most experts therefore advise against using antidepressants during mixed episodes. Mood stabilizers (particularly Depakote), as well as atypical antipsychotic drugs, are considered the first-line treatments for mixed episodes. Mixed episodes of bipolar disorder often involve recurrences of mixed, manic, or depressed phases of illness. Therefore, it is usually recommended that medications be continued in an ongoing fashion to prevent relapses

Sebastians birthday!!!!

well today sebastian turns 2....and my moods are allll over the place. but for now i just want to remember his amazing birth and how lucky i am to be his mother! here is is birth story! Afeter an okay nights sleep, i woke up to contractions at 5:30 am. they were strong, but only about every 10 mins. So i timed then for an hour, they were still pretty far apart but were becoming stronger and hard to manage. So i went and wake up brant to tell him to call in to work today. He told me to call our Doula, Sarah, and my parents. but i was worried it was false labour again and didnt want to get everyone excited. I did end up calling sarah, who said she would come right away. and then i called my dad and warned him we might need him soon. then I had a shower. while i was in the shower i had several very hard to manage contractions told brant to call my dad back and have somone come over now. Sarah got to our house at about 7:30 am, and helped me manage my contractions and timed them for me. they were about 5 mins apart now and lasting for like a min, some longer. my mom got there soon after to watch the kids. So we (sarah me and brant) went into the family room to labour alone. I tred the birthing ball and walking. but walking was casuing severe contractions, so i prefered to sit. finally i felt that we should call the midwife,sarah wanted to wait a bit longer but after a few more contractions me and brant agreed we should call now. Carly, my MW, agreed to meet us at the hospital. We got there at about 9:30 am. We ran into Carly in the parking lot, and she walked ahead of us to get settled. i was having contractions every few steps, so eventually they convicned me to use a wheelchair. Once inside i changed into a gown, and Carly checked me. i was 6-7 cm dilated. We went into the birthing room soon after. Where i changed into my own night gown. i laboured on the birth ball for a little while. but i was having issues tolerating the pain while sitting down so I kept standing up and leaning against brant for each contraction, while Sarah rolled a frozen water bottle down my back. finally I felt a great urge to push, so they tried to convince me to labour on the bed...as Carly said they didnt care what position, but prefered if i was voer soemthing softer then the floor. but if i really wanted to i could push where i was (standing beside the bed). i didnt feel comfortable doing that as i was afraid of falling over. So i finally was able to lay on the bed, and carly told me if i felt the urge to push then push as i knew my body best. So i pushed. my water broke, and things got really intense really fast, and his head was right there. Carly told me to slow down on the pushing and to breathe through a couple contractions before letting me finish pushing him out in 1 more push. Sebastian Steven mark was born at 10: 42 am, after only just 1 hour of labouring in hospital. it was completly med free and intervention free, exactly how i wanted. will post pics later.

where is the light at the end of the tunnel?

it feels hopless. i am depressed, i am irritable, i am panicky. maybe i need to be admitted? but i cant. i have things i have to do...i waited 6 months for this damn appointment on wednesday...its a way to help me with my depression, to give me a longer life. i cant.miss.it. i need to hold it together untill its over. but then its sebastians birthday....i have to be home for that. so really its not convient. i wont kill myself...i have to much i need to do. but how do i make these feelings stop? up my meds until i become a zombie? i just want to be happy again. please.

Post partem pycosis...my story.

So when sebastian was 4 months old i was admitted to the pysch ward of the london hospital for almost 2 months. some know why...but i am going to tell it again for those who dont and are curious. as much as i can remember...cuz frankly some of that time is a blur. Soon after sebastian was born i had the baby blues. i was happy he was finally here (14 days late!!!) and he was by far my favourite birthing experience. but i knew he was my last, and i was sad about that. plus i was worried about long term effects of me being on anti pyscotics while pregnant. it didnt help that soon after he was born he did have withdrawals, and shook a lot. but he still ate well and was all around a good baby. (even though i hate the phrase good baby...are there really bad babies...do they rob banks? anyways...) he was breastfeeding and was up a lot in the night...i slept in a chair in the living room. for some reason a few months befoe he was born i had this searing pain every time i layed flat...so i had to sleep sitting up for almost a full year. his bassinet was in the living room and i almost always dealt with the sleepless nights while brant slept alone upstairs. i do think my lack of proper sleeping didnt really help in my ppd. that and the fact that i was already bipolar. i dont really recall when it started to go wrong...but it did. not only was i depressed about life..but i started having visions. every time somone picked up the baby i would "see" them take their hands around the baby's neck and snap it, he would fall over limply...obviously dead. it would send me in to panic...i knew it wasnt real though, thanks goodness...so i was able to keep my panic mostly on the inside. you would think i just wouldnt let anyone handle the baby then...but no i wasnt safe either. i started to see myself do the same thing, and all of qa sudden i was scared for anyone including myself to even touch the baby for fear that they would snap his neck. i couldnt make the visions go away, and while they were happening they seemed so real. once i even "saw" aurora throw the baby in traffic and watched helplessly as car after car ran over him. i did know that no one would do this. but that didnt seem to help, finally i couldnt take the anxiety that ppl were gonna harm my baby and not even I, his mother who loved him dearly could save him...or even be a safe spot for him. I knew i was going to end my life to make it stop. i really didnt want to, but i felt i had to. so i went several time to the ER...only tp be put on more drugs and be told it would be fine. finally, i just swallowed a lot of my anti anxiety pills and a bunch of booze and waited for it to be over. it didnt work and dissapointed at being alive i finally made the ER understand how bad off i was. they decided to admit me. i stayed 4 days in the ER until there was a bed for me on the 7th floor. now one thing i did learn was...never try to kill yourself while your alone with the kids...not only would it be horrific for them if they had fiound me had it worked,. but when it didnt work and i told the nurses about the attempt....they called CAS on us. i was paniced over that, and it was a long time before they closed the case but eventually they did. once they realized i wouldnt do that again. anyways back to being admitted...they added meds, they played around..but i didnt feel better at all. i felt relief not ebing around the baby as much meant that i wasnt seeing these visions anymore...but i wanted to be home and i feared they would never stop. that i would never be well enough to be home. so while i was admitted i took even more pills, i sat there watching tv waiting for it to finally be over...while nurses knew nothing. finally i texted my friend, and told her..she called brant and told him and he called and told the nurses. they got really mad at me, and monitered me fore the night..taking my blood pressure etc..every hour. but that didnt stop me from doing it again, except i got scared that that many pills would finally do it..and i told my nurse what i had done. he was a very hot nurse and was much more understaning, he talked to me and made me felt better...again they monitered me the same way. but it was obvious i wasnt going home any time soon. finally, after almost 2 months there and a lot of work. i was well enough to come home..i was happy and the visions had stopped. unfortunly though i have struggled the most i probabaly ever have with my depression occuring frequently since then. i have severe anxiety where i am sure i am going to be raped and murdered in my sleep, or the kids taken. but these were normal worries for me. and i can honestly say i havnt seen visions of sebastians head snapping when ppl hold him since i got home from my first hospital visit.