Need a flashlight

Right now I am in a very dark place...i think i need to work up the courage, talk to somone and maybe start meds again.

I hate having to deal with this shit, I wish there was a cure for depression. i dont want to be on meds my whole life..i also dont want to live with these thoughts for my whole life either.

PARTY WEEKEND!!

This is my birthday party weekend. Me and a really good friend of mine (and her boyfriend...whom I like but dont know well enough to call a friend yet) oh and of course Brant..(NO KIDS YAY!!!) are going to Niagara falls over night. We leave tomorrow morning and will be back sunday afternoonish. I am so excited, I havent had adult fun (and no nothing like that) with krissy in a loooong time. I plan to drink..a lot. I hardly ever drink so I am going to say screw ya to my ww points for the night lol.

this is where we are staying
http://www.starwoodhotels.com/sheraton/property/overview/index.html?propertyID=1330&language=en-US
with a falls view room, I have always wanted to see NF in the winter time if your wondering why we pick there to go lol.

Nervous!

We leave tomorrow at 6 am, I should be getting ready right now. Finishing packing up 2 kids and me for a 3-4 stay in toronto, well i'm almost done lol.
Honestly I am a bundle of nerves. I can already feel my anxiety kicking in (MUST remember those meds for tomorrow) I am pretty sure everything will go smoothly, if I thought there would be problems I woudlnt do it. I do beleive the pros very much outweigh the cons...heck like hundreds of kids have this suregery and are fine. Its jsut its a surgery and my poor baby has already had 3 and shes only 3 years old. This will make 4 which means shes had more surgeries then birthdays..and frnakly thats jsut a bit sad.

the alst major procdure she had was her Biopsy last year, it went very well whcih is why I beleive she is strong enough for this one to go well too...now just tell my nerves this!!!

I feel like a bitch

Now that I am so invovled with hosptials and heart groups etc..I know a lot of babies with heart issues.

Now to make this clear before I proceed I never want any family to suffer like we did...6 months in ICU with your baby on a vent is not something i would wish on my worst enemy.

However every time I hear of somone getting discharged from the hospital after a couple weeks in 4D after a transplant,or somone who has CoA and gets let home 2 weeks after surgery and still has their own heart..i get pissed. it hurts me to see how well these baby's do.

Why did we have to suffer so much? its really not fair.

Cut by Plumb

this song speaks to me...
I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut

Emotional time

I am finding that I am super emotional latly, although I tend to be In December and January. Lilia turned 3 on friday and its hard. Not becuase shes getting older, and not becuase her birth was tramatic or anything (it was great actually, very fond memories of the actual birth) I just keep thinking that 3 years ago I was home with a newborn and a toddler. Everyone was happy and healthy (not counting the flu i had), then a few days later I am slapped in the face with a very sick child, and my entire world turned upside down. Then on the 21st I will remember the horrible details on almost losing her, and her first christmas laying with her chest open in toronto. I know shes doing well, but i cant forget the past (and nor do i want to) and every year it does get easier, esepcially as she gets older and more and more stronger. Somone metioned that maybe i have a bit of PTSD, which wouldnt surprise me, but I also think these feelings are pretty normal.
I dont really have anyone to talk to about these feelings, but really would it help anyways? I jsut find myself crying a bit more latly and hugging my kids a lot.

In a funk

I have a lot to look forward to this month, and my weight loss is going well..me and brant are getting along better. SO you would think Iw ould be happy, but i dont I am in a funk that i cant seem to get out of, it sucks. I hate feeling this way.