So i'm feeling like my "normal" self these last few days. Whcih is great. I sleep well, I am really rather cheerful..days like this make me wonder why I am even on meds, or why i think anything is wrong. I think thats one reason it took me so long to seek help, I would think Iw as over it..or that i had jsut been having a rough few days. But the lows always come back, and I reliaze now I shouldnt have to feel like that, ever.
The one bad thing about feeling normal, i always feel like I am on edge..waiting for the lows to come back..the waiting to committ suicide, pushing all my friends and fmaily away, I hate the lows and i now they will come back..they always do.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
normal?
The last couple days I have felt pretty normal. Not depressed and not hypo.
then today I am jsut sitting here reading e mails, and I get the urge to slice my wrists open. Wtf? so now I am getting sucidla thoughts even when I am normal? I dont want to kill myself..why do i think this way? its very upsetting. And when i think it I see it graphically in my mind. the blood pouring everywhere, etc..then i start to think that it would be a nice idea..untill i shake my head and go on with my day. I dont have any plans (as my shrink would ask) but why does it pop into my head?
then today I am jsut sitting here reading e mails, and I get the urge to slice my wrists open. Wtf? so now I am getting sucidla thoughts even when I am normal? I dont want to kill myself..why do i think this way? its very upsetting. And when i think it I see it graphically in my mind. the blood pouring everywhere, etc..then i start to think that it would be a nice idea..untill i shake my head and go on with my day. I dont have any plans (as my shrink would ask) but why does it pop into my head?
Thursday, October 8, 2009
2 week appointment
So its been 2 weeks since I got put on meds, I was started on a very low dose of respiridone at first. it really didn't do anything for me, my moods are still very up and down, and my lows are very low. Like i want to slit my wrists kinda lows. Not a fun time. So he uped the dose today and if it still doenst work we will talk about adding another med.
I really wnat this to work, like today i was feeling so down i called in sick to work. Which was probabaly good anyways as the appointment took a lot longer then i thought it was going to. But now I am feeling very low, and very worried that i will lsoe my job. So now i wonder if i should tell my boss what i am going through, they are very understanding ppl.
But I'll deal with that later. Right now i just have to get through the day without slitting my wrists.
I really wnat this to work, like today i was feeling so down i called in sick to work. Which was probabaly good anyways as the appointment took a lot longer then i thought it was going to. But now I am feeling very low, and very worried that i will lsoe my job. So now i wonder if i should tell my boss what i am going through, they are very understanding ppl.
But I'll deal with that later. Right now i just have to get through the day without slitting my wrists.
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