So i'm feeling like my "normal" self these last few days. Whcih is great. I sleep well, I am really rather cheerful..days like this make me wonder why I am even on meds, or why i think anything is wrong. I think thats one reason it took me so long to seek help, I would think Iw as over it..or that i had jsut been having a rough few days. But the lows always come back, and I reliaze now I shouldnt have to feel like that, ever.
The one bad thing about feeling normal, i always feel like I am on edge..waiting for the lows to come back..the waiting to committ suicide, pushing all my friends and fmaily away, I hate the lows and i now they will come back..they always do.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
normal?
The last couple days I have felt pretty normal. Not depressed and not hypo.
then today I am jsut sitting here reading e mails, and I get the urge to slice my wrists open. Wtf? so now I am getting sucidla thoughts even when I am normal? I dont want to kill myself..why do i think this way? its very upsetting. And when i think it I see it graphically in my mind. the blood pouring everywhere, etc..then i start to think that it would be a nice idea..untill i shake my head and go on with my day. I dont have any plans (as my shrink would ask) but why does it pop into my head?
then today I am jsut sitting here reading e mails, and I get the urge to slice my wrists open. Wtf? so now I am getting sucidla thoughts even when I am normal? I dont want to kill myself..why do i think this way? its very upsetting. And when i think it I see it graphically in my mind. the blood pouring everywhere, etc..then i start to think that it would be a nice idea..untill i shake my head and go on with my day. I dont have any plans (as my shrink would ask) but why does it pop into my head?
Thursday, October 8, 2009
2 week appointment
So its been 2 weeks since I got put on meds, I was started on a very low dose of respiridone at first. it really didn't do anything for me, my moods are still very up and down, and my lows are very low. Like i want to slit my wrists kinda lows. Not a fun time. So he uped the dose today and if it still doenst work we will talk about adding another med.
I really wnat this to work, like today i was feeling so down i called in sick to work. Which was probabaly good anyways as the appointment took a lot longer then i thought it was going to. But now I am feeling very low, and very worried that i will lsoe my job. So now i wonder if i should tell my boss what i am going through, they are very understanding ppl.
But I'll deal with that later. Right now i just have to get through the day without slitting my wrists.
I really wnat this to work, like today i was feeling so down i called in sick to work. Which was probabaly good anyways as the appointment took a lot longer then i thought it was going to. But now I am feeling very low, and very worried that i will lsoe my job. So now i wonder if i should tell my boss what i am going through, they are very understanding ppl.
But I'll deal with that later. Right now i just have to get through the day without slitting my wrists.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Hypomania..
So the hypomania I feel is done for now, which is too bad actually. I like it, i get a lot done around the house I feel great..although moody and irritable still (and feel a bit crazy). But it does get tiring since my sleep sucks during those times and I do say some really doumb thigns and share way too much info.
Now I am beyond exhausted and starting to feel depressed..hopefully its just cuz I am tired as i am not ready for another depressed phase as it drains me.
I wish these meds would start to work.
Now I am beyond exhausted and starting to feel depressed..hopefully its just cuz I am tired as i am not ready for another depressed phase as it drains me.
I wish these meds would start to work.
Bipolar 2
So I saw a pyschtrist last week and was diangosed with Bipolar type 2. it does explain a lot of things..a lot of ppl were mentioning bipolar to me before I went. So I started respiridone,a small dose to start.And I have to do a mood chart, Should be interesting.
I really like the pysch too..he really listens to me and is finally giving me some hope. The Bipolar explains my mood swings, my severe downs, my reaction to anxiety/antidepresant meds, my hyperness and a whole lot of other things..I have probabaly had this sicne high school..and i relaly hope i can start tog et better now..so i can be a better friend, wife and mother.
Should be an interesting journey anyways.
Heres some info on Bipolar 2.
Bipolar II is a psychiatric disorder that involves mood swings from depressed to hypomanic states. Unlike bipolar I, also called manic depression, bipolar II does not involve manic states. However, like bipolar I, the person afflicted suffers from varying degrees of mood. Bipolar II may create depression or anxiety so great that risk of suicide is increased over those who suffer from Bipolar I.
may experience increased anxiety, sleeplessness, good mood, or irritability. The hypomanic state can last for four days or longer, and patients will note a significant difference in feelings from when they are in a depressed state.
Hypomania may also cause people to feel more talkative, result in inflated self-esteem, make people feel as though their thoughts are racing, and in some cases result in rash choices, such as indiscriminate sexual activity or inappropriate spending sprees. Often, the person who feels anxious or irritable and also has bouts of depression is diagnosed with anxiety disorder with depression, or merely anxiety disorder. As such, they do not receive the proper treatment, because if given an anti-depressant alone, the hypomanic state can progress to a manic state, or periods of rapid cycling of mood can occur and cause further emotional disturbance.
Manic states differ from hypomania because perception of self is generally so deluded as to cause a person to act unsafely and take actions potentially permanently destructive to one’s relationships. Additionally, the manic person may be either paranoid or delusional. Those with mania may feel they are invincible. High manic states often require hospitalization to protect the patient from hurting himself or others.
Conversely, hypomanic patients may find themselves extremely productive and happy during hypomanic periods. This can further complicate diagnosis. If a patient is taking anti-depressants, hypomania may be thought of as a sign that the anti-depressants are working.
Ultimately, though, those with bipolar II find that anti-depressants alone do not provide relief, particularly since anti-depressants can aggravate the condition. Another hallmark of bipolar II is rapid cycling between depressed and hypomanic states. If this symptom is misdiagnosed, sedatives may be added to anti-depressants, further creating mood dysfunction.
The frequent misdiagnosis of bipolar II likely creates more risk of suicidal tendencies during depressed states. Patients legitimately trying to seek treatment may feel initial benefits from improper medication, but then bottom out when treatments no longer work. The fact that multiple medications may be tried before the correct diagnosis is made can fuel despair and depression.
Depression associated with either bipolar I or II is severe. In many cases, depression creates an inability to function normally. Patients suffering from major depression describe feeling as though things will never feel right again.
Severely depressed patients may not leave their homes or their beds. Appetite can significantly increase or decrease. Sleeping patterns may be disrupted, and people may sleep much longer than usual.
This type of depression does not respond to reason or talking it out, because it is of chemical origin. Though therapy can improve the way a person deals with depression, it cannot remove chemically based depression. Because of what seems an inescapable mood and a feeling that things will never improve, patients frequently contemplate and often attempt suicide.
Once accurate diagnosis is made, treatment consists of many of the same medications used to treat bipolar I. These medications typically include mood stabilizers like lithium or anticonvulsants like carbamazepine (tegretol®), and many people also benefit from a low dose of an antidepressant. Those with bipolar II rarely need antipsychotic medications since they are not prone to psychotic symptoms or behavior. Even with appropriate medication, it may take some time to stabilize a patient and find the right dosage. When patients have demonstrated suicidal tendencies, hospitalization may be necessary to provide a safe environment where medications can be adjusted accordingly.
When medication is combined with cognitive behavioral therapy, patients seem to respond more quickly and have the most success. Though bipolar II is not thought to be caused by traumatic events, such factors as a history of abuse can affect recovery. By approaching bipolar II with both therapy and medication, the patient is likely to recover fully.
With treatment, those with bipolar I or II can live healthy normal lives and attain success in work and relationships.
I really like the pysch too..he really listens to me and is finally giving me some hope. The Bipolar explains my mood swings, my severe downs, my reaction to anxiety/antidepresant meds, my hyperness and a whole lot of other things..I have probabaly had this sicne high school..and i relaly hope i can start tog et better now..so i can be a better friend, wife and mother.
Should be an interesting journey anyways.
Heres some info on Bipolar 2.
Bipolar II is a psychiatric disorder that involves mood swings from depressed to hypomanic states. Unlike bipolar I, also called manic depression, bipolar II does not involve manic states. However, like bipolar I, the person afflicted suffers from varying degrees of mood. Bipolar II may create depression or anxiety so great that risk of suicide is increased over those who suffer from Bipolar I.
may experience increased anxiety, sleeplessness, good mood, or irritability. The hypomanic state can last for four days or longer, and patients will note a significant difference in feelings from when they are in a depressed state.
Hypomania may also cause people to feel more talkative, result in inflated self-esteem, make people feel as though their thoughts are racing, and in some cases result in rash choices, such as indiscriminate sexual activity or inappropriate spending sprees. Often, the person who feels anxious or irritable and also has bouts of depression is diagnosed with anxiety disorder with depression, or merely anxiety disorder. As such, they do not receive the proper treatment, because if given an anti-depressant alone, the hypomanic state can progress to a manic state, or periods of rapid cycling of mood can occur and cause further emotional disturbance.
Manic states differ from hypomania because perception of self is generally so deluded as to cause a person to act unsafely and take actions potentially permanently destructive to one’s relationships. Additionally, the manic person may be either paranoid or delusional. Those with mania may feel they are invincible. High manic states often require hospitalization to protect the patient from hurting himself or others.
Conversely, hypomanic patients may find themselves extremely productive and happy during hypomanic periods. This can further complicate diagnosis. If a patient is taking anti-depressants, hypomania may be thought of as a sign that the anti-depressants are working.
Ultimately, though, those with bipolar II find that anti-depressants alone do not provide relief, particularly since anti-depressants can aggravate the condition. Another hallmark of bipolar II is rapid cycling between depressed and hypomanic states. If this symptom is misdiagnosed, sedatives may be added to anti-depressants, further creating mood dysfunction.
The frequent misdiagnosis of bipolar II likely creates more risk of suicidal tendencies during depressed states. Patients legitimately trying to seek treatment may feel initial benefits from improper medication, but then bottom out when treatments no longer work. The fact that multiple medications may be tried before the correct diagnosis is made can fuel despair and depression.
Depression associated with either bipolar I or II is severe. In many cases, depression creates an inability to function normally. Patients suffering from major depression describe feeling as though things will never feel right again.
Severely depressed patients may not leave their homes or their beds. Appetite can significantly increase or decrease. Sleeping patterns may be disrupted, and people may sleep much longer than usual.
This type of depression does not respond to reason or talking it out, because it is of chemical origin. Though therapy can improve the way a person deals with depression, it cannot remove chemically based depression. Because of what seems an inescapable mood and a feeling that things will never improve, patients frequently contemplate and often attempt suicide.
Once accurate diagnosis is made, treatment consists of many of the same medications used to treat bipolar I. These medications typically include mood stabilizers like lithium or anticonvulsants like carbamazepine (tegretol®), and many people also benefit from a low dose of an antidepressant. Those with bipolar II rarely need antipsychotic medications since they are not prone to psychotic symptoms or behavior. Even with appropriate medication, it may take some time to stabilize a patient and find the right dosage. When patients have demonstrated suicidal tendencies, hospitalization may be necessary to provide a safe environment where medications can be adjusted accordingly.
When medication is combined with cognitive behavioral therapy, patients seem to respond more quickly and have the most success. Though bipolar II is not thought to be caused by traumatic events, such factors as a history of abuse can affect recovery. By approaching bipolar II with both therapy and medication, the patient is likely to recover fully.
With treatment, those with bipolar I or II can live healthy normal lives and attain success in work and relationships.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Working on my Mental Health
So I have been working on my physical health, my weight issues, for over a year now and its going pretty well. However Now I am tackiling soemthing even harder, somethig I have less control over. My mental health issues.
Ever since I can remember ZI have had huge issues with this, soemthing was obviosuly wrong with me at a young age. High school was hell, and then ebing on my own it only got worse. becuase of my severe ups and downs, they are thinking I might have bipolar disorder. I see a pyschtrist next week, I am hoping that I am not bipolar..however I want them to be able to help me in some way! I am tired of feeling so low that iw as to kill myself, that i take sleep meds and ativan jsut to function on those days. Its hurting my marriage, my friendships and my self esteem. I am afraid if its not fixed so, I wont last long enough to meet my grandchildren. My downs are coming more often, I am not myself during these times, i am mean, I am rude, I am the most negative person in the world, quick to anger and all ic an think about is slitting my wrists. I need support, getting help is a very hard think for me to be doing. But I know it needs to be done.
Ever since I can remember ZI have had huge issues with this, soemthing was obviosuly wrong with me at a young age. High school was hell, and then ebing on my own it only got worse. becuase of my severe ups and downs, they are thinking I might have bipolar disorder. I see a pyschtrist next week, I am hoping that I am not bipolar..however I want them to be able to help me in some way! I am tired of feeling so low that iw as to kill myself, that i take sleep meds and ativan jsut to function on those days. Its hurting my marriage, my friendships and my self esteem. I am afraid if its not fixed so, I wont last long enough to meet my grandchildren. My downs are coming more often, I am not myself during these times, i am mean, I am rude, I am the most negative person in the world, quick to anger and all ic an think about is slitting my wrists. I need support, getting help is a very hard think for me to be doing. But I know it needs to be done.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Need a flashlight
Right now I am in a very dark place...i think i need to work up the courage, talk to somone and maybe start meds again.
I hate having to deal with this shit, I wish there was a cure for depression. i dont want to be on meds my whole life..i also dont want to live with these thoughts for my whole life either.
I hate having to deal with this shit, I wish there was a cure for depression. i dont want to be on meds my whole life..i also dont want to live with these thoughts for my whole life either.
Friday, January 23, 2009
PARTY WEEKEND!!
This is my birthday party weekend. Me and a really good friend of mine (and her boyfriend...whom I like but dont know well enough to call a friend yet) oh and of course Brant..(NO KIDS YAY!!!) are going to Niagara falls over night. We leave tomorrow morning and will be back sunday afternoonish. I am so excited, I havent had adult fun (and no nothing like that) with krissy in a loooong time. I plan to drink..a lot. I hardly ever drink so I am going to say screw ya to my ww points for the night lol.
this is where we are staying
http://www.starwoodhotels.com/sheraton/property/overview/index.html?propertyID=1330&language=en-US
with a falls view room, I have always wanted to see NF in the winter time if your wondering why we pick there to go lol.
this is where we are staying
http://www.starwoodhotels.com/sheraton/property/overview/index.html?propertyID=1330&language=en-US
with a falls view room, I have always wanted to see NF in the winter time if your wondering why we pick there to go lol.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Nervous!
We leave tomorrow at 6 am, I should be getting ready right now. Finishing packing up 2 kids and me for a 3-4 stay in toronto, well i'm almost done lol.
Honestly I am a bundle of nerves. I can already feel my anxiety kicking in (MUST remember those meds for tomorrow) I am pretty sure everything will go smoothly, if I thought there would be problems I woudlnt do it. I do beleive the pros very much outweigh the cons...heck like hundreds of kids have this suregery and are fine. Its jsut its a surgery and my poor baby has already had 3 and shes only 3 years old. This will make 4 which means shes had more surgeries then birthdays..and frnakly thats jsut a bit sad.
the alst major procdure she had was her Biopsy last year, it went very well whcih is why I beleive she is strong enough for this one to go well too...now just tell my nerves this!!!
Honestly I am a bundle of nerves. I can already feel my anxiety kicking in (MUST remember those meds for tomorrow) I am pretty sure everything will go smoothly, if I thought there would be problems I woudlnt do it. I do beleive the pros very much outweigh the cons...heck like hundreds of kids have this suregery and are fine. Its jsut its a surgery and my poor baby has already had 3 and shes only 3 years old. This will make 4 which means shes had more surgeries then birthdays..and frnakly thats jsut a bit sad.
the alst major procdure she had was her Biopsy last year, it went very well whcih is why I beleive she is strong enough for this one to go well too...now just tell my nerves this!!!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I feel like a bitch
Now that I am so invovled with hosptials and heart groups etc..I know a lot of babies with heart issues.
Now to make this clear before I proceed I never want any family to suffer like we did...6 months in ICU with your baby on a vent is not something i would wish on my worst enemy.
However every time I hear of somone getting discharged from the hospital after a couple weeks in 4D after a transplant,or somone who has CoA and gets let home 2 weeks after surgery and still has their own heart..i get pissed. it hurts me to see how well these baby's do.
Why did we have to suffer so much? its really not fair.
Now to make this clear before I proceed I never want any family to suffer like we did...6 months in ICU with your baby on a vent is not something i would wish on my worst enemy.
However every time I hear of somone getting discharged from the hospital after a couple weeks in 4D after a transplant,or somone who has CoA and gets let home 2 weeks after surgery and still has their own heart..i get pissed. it hurts me to see how well these baby's do.
Why did we have to suffer so much? its really not fair.
Cut by Plumb
this song speaks to me...
I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore
A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see
I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside
I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone
I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore
But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut
I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore
A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see
I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside
I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone
I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore
But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut
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