new dx...

I dont know how i feel about this.So I asked my doctor if he thinks my dx of bipolar 2 is accurate? (I was dx by another dr) he sai ppl could argue a case for me for 1 or 2. but He thinks I am bipolar 1 with pyscotic features..but I don't go as deep into mania as a typical bipolar 1...so I am not a typical case. Just like lilia my dx arnt as clear cut either lol. he also agrees with the severe GAD (general anxiety disorder). i dont know what to think or feel, i told my mom about this and shes just like Ok. brant is a bit bummed becuase it is worse. ppl with bipolar are more likly to die of suicide. and bipolar 1 with pyscosis...is nothing to laugh at it. heres something i found. "Suicide, which is both a stereotypic yet highly individualized act, is a common endpoint for many patients with severe psychiatric illness. The mood disorders (depression and bipolar manic-depression) are by far the most common psychiatric conditions associated with suicide. At least 25% to 50% of patients with bipolar disorder also attempt suicide at least once." i also read somewhere that those who suffere from mixed episodes (which i do) or those who have pyscosis are more likly to commit suicide. What Are Mixed Episodes in Bipolar Disorder? Mixed episodes in bipolar disorder are a form of mental illness. In most forms of bipolar disorder, moods alternate between elevated and depressed over time. A person with mixed episodes experiences both mood "poles" -- mania and depression -- simultaneously or in rapid sequence. Technically, mixed episodes are described only in people with bipolar I disorder (not bipolar II disorder), although this distinction is expected to change as the psychiatric diagnostic classification system is currently being revised. Who Gets Mixed Bipolar Disorder? Virtually anyone can develop bipolar disorder. About 2.5% of the U.S. population suffers from some form of bipolar disorder – nearly 6 million people. Mixed episodes are common in people with bipolar I disorder. Estimates vary widely, but between 20% and 70% of people with bipolar disorder experience mixed episodes. Those who develop bipolar disorder at a younger age, particularly in adolescence, may be more likely to have mixed episodes. People who develop mixed episodes may also develop "pure" depressed or "pure" manic or hypomanic phases of bipolar illness. Most people are in their teens or early 20s when symptoms from bipolar disorder first start. Nearly everyone with mixed episodes develop bipolar disorder before age 50. People who have an immediate family member with bipolar are at higher risk. What Are the Symptoms of a Mixed Episode? Mixed episodes of bipolar disorder are defined by symptoms of mania and depression that occur at the same time, or in rapid sequence. Mania in mixed episodes usually involves irritability, racing thoughts and speech, and overactivity or agitation. Depression in mixed bipolar disorder is similar to "regular" depression, with feelings of sadness, loss of interest in activities, low energy, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide. This may seem impossible -- how can someone be manic and depressed at the same time? Because mixed manic episodes are a form of mental illness, they defy any predictable pattern of feelings or behavior. For example, a person in a mixed manic episode could be crying uncontrollably while announcing they have never felt better in their life. Or they could be exuberantly happy, only to suddenly collapse in misery. A short while later they might suddenly return to an ecstatic state. Mixed manic episodes can last from days to weeks or sometimes months, if untreated. Mixed episodes may recur and recovery can be slower than during episodes of "pure" bipolar depression or "pure" mania or hypomania. What Are the Risks of Mixed Episodes in Bipolar Disorder? The most serious risk of mixed bipolar disorder is suicide. People with bipolar disorder are 10 to 20 times more likely to commit suicide than people without bipolar disorder. Tragically, 8% to 20% of people with bipolar disorder eventually lose their lives to suicide. Evidence shows that during mixed episodes, people may be at even higher risk for suicide than people in episodes of bipolar depression. Treatment reduces the likelihood of serious depression and suicide. Lithium in particular, taken long term, reduces the risk. People with bipolar disorder are also at higher risk for substance abuse. Nearly 60% of people with bipolar disorder abuse drugs or alcohol. Substance abuse is associated with more severe or poorly controlled bipolar disorder. What Are the Treatments for Mixed Episodes of Bipolar Disorder? Mixed manic episodes generally require treatment with medication. Unfortunately, mixed episodes are more difficult to control than other episode types of bipolar disorder. The main drugs used to treat mixed manic episodes are mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. Mood Stabilizers While lithium is often considered a gold standard treatment for mania, it is thought to be less effective when mania and depression occur simultaneously, as in a mixed episode. Lithium has been used for more than 60 years to treat bipolar disorder. It can take weeks to work fully, making it better for maintenance treatment than for acute manic episodes. Blood levels of lithium must be monitored to avoid side effects. Depakote is an antiseizure medication that also levels out moods. It has a more rapid onset of action, and in some studies has been shown to be more effective than lithium for the treatment of mixed episodes. Depakote is also sometimes used "off-label" for prevention of mixed manic episodes. Some other antiseizure drugs, such as Tegretol, are also effective mood stabilizers. Antipsychotics Many atypical antipsychotic drugs are effective, FDA-approved treatments for mixed episodes. These include Zyprexa, Abilify, risperidone, Seroquel, Geodon, and Saphris. Antipsychotic drugs are also sometimes used alone or in combination with mood stabilizers for preventive treatment. Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) Despite its frightening reputation, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) is an effective treatment for mixed manic episodes. ECT can be helpful if medication fails or can't be used. Treatment for Depression in Mixed Bipolar Disorder Common antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil have been shown to worsen mania symptoms during mixed episodes without necessarily improving depressive symptoms. Most experts therefore advise against using antidepressants during mixed episodes. Mood stabilizers (particularly Depakote), as well as atypical antipsychotic drugs, are considered the first-line treatments for mixed episodes. Mixed episodes of bipolar disorder often involve recurrences of mixed, manic, or depressed phases of illness. Therefore, it is usually recommended that medications be continued in an ongoing fashion to prevent relapses

Sebastians birthday!!!!

well today sebastian turns 2....and my moods are allll over the place. but for now i just want to remember his amazing birth and how lucky i am to be his mother! here is is birth story! Afeter an okay nights sleep, i woke up to contractions at 5:30 am. they were strong, but only about every 10 mins. So i timed then for an hour, they were still pretty far apart but were becoming stronger and hard to manage. So i went and wake up brant to tell him to call in to work today. He told me to call our Doula, Sarah, and my parents. but i was worried it was false labour again and didnt want to get everyone excited. I did end up calling sarah, who said she would come right away. and then i called my dad and warned him we might need him soon. then I had a shower. while i was in the shower i had several very hard to manage contractions told brant to call my dad back and have somone come over now. Sarah got to our house at about 7:30 am, and helped me manage my contractions and timed them for me. they were about 5 mins apart now and lasting for like a min, some longer. my mom got there soon after to watch the kids. So we (sarah me and brant) went into the family room to labour alone. I tred the birthing ball and walking. but walking was casuing severe contractions, so i prefered to sit. finally i felt that we should call the midwife,sarah wanted to wait a bit longer but after a few more contractions me and brant agreed we should call now. Carly, my MW, agreed to meet us at the hospital. We got there at about 9:30 am. We ran into Carly in the parking lot, and she walked ahead of us to get settled. i was having contractions every few steps, so eventually they convicned me to use a wheelchair. Once inside i changed into a gown, and Carly checked me. i was 6-7 cm dilated. We went into the birthing room soon after. Where i changed into my own night gown. i laboured on the birth ball for a little while. but i was having issues tolerating the pain while sitting down so I kept standing up and leaning against brant for each contraction, while Sarah rolled a frozen water bottle down my back. finally I felt a great urge to push, so they tried to convince me to labour on the bed...as Carly said they didnt care what position, but prefered if i was voer soemthing softer then the floor. but if i really wanted to i could push where i was (standing beside the bed). i didnt feel comfortable doing that as i was afraid of falling over. So i finally was able to lay on the bed, and carly told me if i felt the urge to push then push as i knew my body best. So i pushed. my water broke, and things got really intense really fast, and his head was right there. Carly told me to slow down on the pushing and to breathe through a couple contractions before letting me finish pushing him out in 1 more push. Sebastian Steven mark was born at 10: 42 am, after only just 1 hour of labouring in hospital. it was completly med free and intervention free, exactly how i wanted. will post pics later.

where is the light at the end of the tunnel?

it feels hopless. i am depressed, i am irritable, i am panicky. maybe i need to be admitted? but i cant. i have things i have to do...i waited 6 months for this damn appointment on wednesday...its a way to help me with my depression, to give me a longer life. i cant.miss.it. i need to hold it together untill its over. but then its sebastians birthday....i have to be home for that. so really its not convient. i wont kill myself...i have to much i need to do. but how do i make these feelings stop? up my meds until i become a zombie? i just want to be happy again. please.

Post partem pycosis...my story.

So when sebastian was 4 months old i was admitted to the pysch ward of the london hospital for almost 2 months. some know why...but i am going to tell it again for those who dont and are curious. as much as i can remember...cuz frankly some of that time is a blur. Soon after sebastian was born i had the baby blues. i was happy he was finally here (14 days late!!!) and he was by far my favourite birthing experience. but i knew he was my last, and i was sad about that. plus i was worried about long term effects of me being on anti pyscotics while pregnant. it didnt help that soon after he was born he did have withdrawals, and shook a lot. but he still ate well and was all around a good baby. (even though i hate the phrase good baby...are there really bad babies...do they rob banks? anyways...) he was breastfeeding and was up a lot in the night...i slept in a chair in the living room. for some reason a few months befoe he was born i had this searing pain every time i layed flat...so i had to sleep sitting up for almost a full year. his bassinet was in the living room and i almost always dealt with the sleepless nights while brant slept alone upstairs. i do think my lack of proper sleeping didnt really help in my ppd. that and the fact that i was already bipolar. i dont really recall when it started to go wrong...but it did. not only was i depressed about life..but i started having visions. every time somone picked up the baby i would "see" them take their hands around the baby's neck and snap it, he would fall over limply...obviously dead. it would send me in to panic...i knew it wasnt real though, thanks goodness...so i was able to keep my panic mostly on the inside. you would think i just wouldnt let anyone handle the baby then...but no i wasnt safe either. i started to see myself do the same thing, and all of qa sudden i was scared for anyone including myself to even touch the baby for fear that they would snap his neck. i couldnt make the visions go away, and while they were happening they seemed so real. once i even "saw" aurora throw the baby in traffic and watched helplessly as car after car ran over him. i did know that no one would do this. but that didnt seem to help, finally i couldnt take the anxiety that ppl were gonna harm my baby and not even I, his mother who loved him dearly could save him...or even be a safe spot for him. I knew i was going to end my life to make it stop. i really didnt want to, but i felt i had to. so i went several time to the ER...only tp be put on more drugs and be told it would be fine. finally, i just swallowed a lot of my anti anxiety pills and a bunch of booze and waited for it to be over. it didnt work and dissapointed at being alive i finally made the ER understand how bad off i was. they decided to admit me. i stayed 4 days in the ER until there was a bed for me on the 7th floor. now one thing i did learn was...never try to kill yourself while your alone with the kids...not only would it be horrific for them if they had fiound me had it worked,. but when it didnt work and i told the nurses about the attempt....they called CAS on us. i was paniced over that, and it was a long time before they closed the case but eventually they did. once they realized i wouldnt do that again. anyways back to being admitted...they added meds, they played around..but i didnt feel better at all. i felt relief not ebing around the baby as much meant that i wasnt seeing these visions anymore...but i wanted to be home and i feared they would never stop. that i would never be well enough to be home. so while i was admitted i took even more pills, i sat there watching tv waiting for it to finally be over...while nurses knew nothing. finally i texted my friend, and told her..she called brant and told him and he called and told the nurses. they got really mad at me, and monitered me fore the night..taking my blood pressure etc..every hour. but that didnt stop me from doing it again, except i got scared that that many pills would finally do it..and i told my nurse what i had done. he was a very hot nurse and was much more understaning, he talked to me and made me felt better...again they monitered me the same way. but it was obvious i wasnt going home any time soon. finally, after almost 2 months there and a lot of work. i was well enough to come home..i was happy and the visions had stopped. unfortunly though i have struggled the most i probabaly ever have with my depression occuring frequently since then. i have severe anxiety where i am sure i am going to be raped and murdered in my sleep, or the kids taken. but these were normal worries for me. and i can honestly say i havnt seen visions of sebastians head snapping when ppl hold him since i got home from my first hospital visit.

This is how I feel...always.

“When you're surrounded by all these people, it can be lonelier than when you're by yourself. You can be in a huge crowd, but if you don't feel like you can trust anyone or talk to anybody, you feel like you're really alone.” ― Fiona Apple this is how i always feel it seems like. when you suiffer from depression it really seems like no one cares. you scream and you cry, and you beg for somone to understand you, to help you, to hold you. but really its like your drowning in water getting deeper and deeper and everyone is sitting there watching you drown but doing nothing to help you. the way i scream and cry is by posting my feelings on fb (and now on here) not having replies every time makes me feel like no one cares. which rationally i know probably isnt true, they probably just dont know what to say...but not saying anything at all does more harm. but really there is no rationality in bipolar. I have family that suffers with depression...but we dont talk about it. I try to some times, but they dont want to really acknowledge i have an illness thats so severe. and really its just easier for me to down play my emotions. like last time i was admitted for a week, i said it was for a med change. i doubt my parents really wanted to know i was there for my own safety. because i told my doctor i was going to kill myself. but thats why i was there. i have friends who have mental health issues, and you would think that they would be the most understanding...becuase i know i am when they vent to me. but mostly i get ignored texts, subject changes amd "i dont know what to say about" that when i cry for them to help me....am i really that bad off that even my bipolar (and other ilness') friends dont know what to do with me? Honestly the only person who is always there for me is brant, but is that really fair to put so much of my issues on his schoulders? he has big shoulders and he lvoes me deeply. but he shouldnt have to cover the slack from everyone else who supposdly also love me. i just want to understand why no one else seems to care. why no one in this world seems to get me. i just want to be loved, hugged and to feel understood.

appointment today...

So last week i had a crisis appointment with my shrink (i call him that because i have issues with spelling lol) we upped my meds and booked an appointment to see him again today. so the graphic images i have in my brain (will post more about those later) are not as frequent, and i find actually when i get them i am starting to be able to distract myself. blogging as been a great tool for this so far. My doc says this is great and is 110% on board with using blogging to distract and cope with my negative thoughts. so i am gonna really try to keep at it. plus maybe ppl will have a tiny idea what its like to be in my brain...if anyone actually reads this lol. anyways i cant work. not just becuase of my severe back issues but also because of my mental health issues. so i am applying to canada pension (CPP) to try and get some money every month. my doctor filled out the form no problem. thought i would share what he said before i send it in. its very surreal seeing it for the first time written down. i am not really sure what to think. anyways so it starts off mentioning my hospital admissions, both of them stating one was for being suicidal and psycotic, the 2nd time for being suicuidal and depressed. then he says... "patient has severe mood disorder, and is unable to manage a work setting due to symptoms of depression, sucidiality, severe anxiety, and occasional psycotic breaks" then TALKS ABOUT MY MEDS AND THE THERAPY I DID. (OOPS sorry hit caps and i am lazy) then just talks again about my dx, and that i require regualar visits with him and frequent crisis appointments. i think the reasons he says mood disorder and not bipolar 2 (as i was dx that by another dr a few years ago) because of the pyscotic breaks i have had. that could be a sign of bipolar 1.....but i tend to have more depression..which is more like bipolar 2,. so we are a little confuse with which one I have. anyways going to feed the kids now and go watch dancefest at aurora's school...shes an awesome dancer.

look whos back!!!

So i have decided to go back to blogging to help distract me from my depression and give me a place to let my thoughts out. hoping this will help me. now apparently i haven't used this blog in like 3 years....ooops. I thought about deleting everything and starting new but i like reading the old posts so for now i decided to keep them. the biggest change since my last post is I had another baby! sebastian was born may 23 2011. hes my little clomid baby...but we did get pregnant on the first round of it. he will be 2 this month and she just totally brighten our family up making it the perfect 2 boys and 2 girls. couldnt have asked for anything better. hes happy and healthy. regarding my bipolar, i did have a problem after the baby was born..post partem pyscosis..it was intense. maybe i'll save the details for another post entry, but basically i tried to end it all and ended up in the hospital in the pysch ward for almost 2 months. i got a great pyscatrist from it though and he follows me. i adore him, couldnt of asked for a better doctor. I was admited another time a couuple months ago, i was at risk of harming myself...but that was only a week stay and i was better. hospital admissions seem to be a part of bipolar for me, i try to advoid them when i can (cuz really they suck), but really i do want to live so if i know i am going to hurt myself i now know how to get help so that my kids still have thier mother. anyways thats my update on this blog. i have 3 that i will be trying to update regualarily.