Why do I even care?

Why do I care if ppl like me or not? I will never understand this. I despartly tried to get back in contact with old friends from high school. I always wodnered what was going on in their lives, how they were doing..remembering the "good" old days. Esepcially when i moved back to london..I knew some are here..some are married (i dont think any have kids though) so i thought we had some stuff in common again. But nope, they wouldnt even acknowldge that i was even writing to them. They would even read updates on Lilia caring bridge website, they knew I had a duaghter dying in the hospital and they didn't even write on her guestbook. I dont know if they relaized how much that hurt..or maybe they did and they were/are just trying to hurt me. I dont udnerstand it and I really dont understand why I even give a damn! but I do, a lot. I dont think I will EVER have an answer on this.

I know ppl on M2M dont like me either..I mean I can write Lilia isnt feeling well and I'll have 100 replies, But I could write I want to kill myself, and 2 ppl would reply. I know they only want me on there so they can see how Lilia is doing..they were around when the shit hit the fan with her..I think they just realized later (like reccently) how much they actually dislike me. I wrote a post about how overwhelmed I am about Lilia's appoinments...(they jsut doubled) and how I dont know how I am going to manage going back to work and doing all this..and even if they dont undertstand..at least acknowledging me would make me feel a bit better.

I am just tired of everyone hating me and not even giving me a good reason why. It feels so 2 faced. I knwo sounds a little funny after my last post about graham..but really that was a mess i needed out of...I would rather not have any friends then friends who treat me like that.
hoenslty right now I am pretty much done with everyone, I am tired of getting hurt.

Exhausted!

Heyden wouldnt sleep last night, ugh. he slept for many 3 hours the whole night (and not even at once) lack of sleep makes my depression horrible and very hard to deal with..being sick on top of that makes me a friggen mess.
Dealing with all 3 kids alone today is going to be a HUGE challenge, especially with no sleep and no patience.
And why is it that my sister has to rub it in that her little one sleeps straight through the night. Like shut up, your kid is perfect yadda yadda yadda i got it.
I hope her next one doesnt ever sleep :p

Sick

So I feel like crap today, I have no voice and my head is pounding. And now I have to finish cleaning up the house because a friend is coming over to meet the baby for the first time (she lives in Ottawa but is in London for a conference). And then I have to get all 3 of the kids dressed up to go outside (and we have a TON of snow, although heyden as a really cute new snow suit..I LOVE it) and drive to my moms. I really hope the roads arnt bad..i'm not really use to driving in a lot of snow.
We are going to the Santa Claus parade in S.Thomas tonight. We missed the one in London last week because the girls weren't feeling well and it was pouring rain, snow is better then rain for a santa claus parade. Although it would be nice to go to the Toronto one next year.
You know, I know Aurora talks a lot..but it really gets annoying when you have no voice and she asks you a zillion questions in the span of 5 mins. Maybe we actually dont want Lilia to talk LOL.

Lonely

Ugh..I hate not having anyone to talk to today. Sarah and I usually talk like 100 times by now, but apparently 15 mins means 15 days..oh well. I assume shes busy with her dad and her hubby as they are both there today. But if she doenst call me I am so gonna kick her ass..I thought she would of called to ask about Lilia (heck i thought she would of called me yesterday to calm my nerves) but i guess she is/was busy.

I dont have a lot of friends that I feel comfortable to call up and just shoot the shit. In fact I only have the one. Partly it is my fault and I know that..but its really hard for me to click with ppl and get over my "shyness". I also think i can be a hard person to get along with, although i am not really sure why. It does get lonely, but for the most part I am use to it.

on the bright side Amanda got her other skin cancer spot removed and although shes in some pain, she is cancer free now! yay! I was pretty worried about her.

I hate waiting

Well lilia is at the ER, she turned blue (lips, fingers, and toes) while I was getting her ready for bed, she was pretty cranky for the last hour before bedtime and her breahting hasnt soudned the best in a little while now.

brant calls me often enough to update..but I hate not being there. i hate having to wait and not see how shes doing.I think its easier to handle the docotrs and all the zillion questions (isnt her hisotry on file there..jeez) then to sit here and wait and wait.

but somone has to feed the baby. and since I am the one lactating I get the job!

Oh well hopefully its nothing major (her sats are good..97 they are jsut waitng on a chest x ray) and she can come home tonight...

Hearing Aids

So Lilia has her hearing Aids now (except they did mess up on the colour of the one part..but they will fix that next week). When we first heard her hearing was damaged..and peramant I was upset. I was hoping we were wrong..or it was jsut fluid and fixable. But it didnt take me long to adjust...its just anothr part of her journey. I dont see the point in being negative over soemthing that wwe cant change, and its not even life threatening. I will save all my worries for her heart issues, now thats soemthing wroth worrying over (not that hse has any issues right now..but trasnplant can be a very scary thing when you think of the future too much) now that she hasthe aids I am very excited! I hope she will still speak sooner rather then later (although its still going to take lots of work...and wont see any improvments for a few months at least most likly) besides now ppl wont look at me like shes mental when they find out shes almsot 3 and still doenst do anything more then babble. Now they were hopefully see the aids and relaize she has issues so i wont have to keep saying it all the time.

NG tube, heairng aids...all she needs now is glasses!! (keep your fingers crossed she doenst..we actually have some suspcions about this)

Swimming and weight loss

So I do a pretty hard swim plan mon-fri for an hour each day. I pretty much end up doing 2K in that hour, today i finished my 2K 5 mins early so i did an extra 400M. Which is good since I wont be swimming tomorrow as Lilia has an appoimnent to get her hearing aids early in the morning.

Last week this older woman whom I swim with (she is an awesome swimmer, espeically for her age..she competes and everything) was asking about my kids and stuff. She didnt realize i had a baby let alone 3 kids lol. Anyways so she ends up asking me if I use to compete, i tell her yes i did in high school (actually I started at about 12 and did it untill i was 18/19). She told me she could tell becuase I have beautiful technique! Well thats nice to hear especially becuase I havnt swam like this since I was like 19 (so about 8/9 years now) and its nice to know that i havn't lost everyhting that I had learned.

She also told me she could see a major improvment sicne i started coming (been going about 4 months i think..maybe a bit less) with my speed.

I also went into work the other day with Lilia, and an old co worker asked how much weight I had lost becuase she could really notice a loss. 59.8 lbs!! woo hoo! I only have 100.8 left. I know its a lot still.but I am getitng closer. I already feel a lot better then I use to.

My mom and my sister yesterday also noticed, Amanda hadnt seen me in a few weeks and she said she can really start to notice the loss now too, espeically in my face.

Its nice to hear things like this, I know I shouldnt need to hear these things..but lets face it I am only human and its nice when ppl notice your hard work.

Better Day

Well today so far has been a better day then yesterday. Brant took the kids for most of the day so I had a break and could just relax. Now if only he would actually remember to do Lilia's feeds on time I could actually relax more when he has her.

I'm taking the kids to my parents tonight for my sisters birthday. hard to believe that she is already 25, which makes me almsot 28. Eeek. I so don't want to hit 30 (not that i want to die to stay young, but maybe being a vampire or soemthing would be cool? lol)

Heyden also slept a bit better last night, helps that I kept him up till 10 pm. However it means that i got absoltly nothing done,..oh well I watched The Happening which was a very interesting movie. I thought the end was a bit slow though personally.

Oh well off to get dressed and buy Amanda a gift.

Life doenst make sense

I dont know why this day is turning out as bad as it is. I dont know why I am sitting here wanting to take a rusty blade to my arms. Could it be becuase the baby has decided not to sleep anymore? or that Aurora was up 4 times during the night becuase of an ear infection?...or because even though I am losing weight i still feel like a fat blob whos not attractive to anyone?

or maybe its because I have severe anxiety and it is not under control latly, and so the littlest thing seems to piss me off and take me to the edge.

Why is it I feel like a noone to everyone in the world. and yet the 3 little ppl whom i do matter to I just want a break from.

Life doenst ever make any sense, or maybe its just me.

(Dont worry I am not even close to sucidal, just having a bad day)