Social Anxiety,,,,, some insight on mine

So its no news that i have suffered from this since i was a child. at 5 years old i would refuse to speak in front of the class, not even a simple hello. when in came to speeches in grade school i would write it all out and then stand there and cry because i couldn't seem to make myself speak. in grade 7 i was picked on by the teacher and forced to do all kinds of stuff on front of the class, it was awful and didn't help at all. now, while i can make a phone call to strangers...if i know you its very hard. many times ppl give me their numbers and say to call if i need to talk. i want to, I really do want but i cant seem to do it. i get all excited for social functions and get together s but then once i am there i cant start a conversation with anyone so if no one speaks to me...i say nothing. i end up either leaving early, or coming home very upset and frustrated with myself, not having enjoyed the evening at all. if i am late, there's a good chance i wont show up...i hate having everyone turn and look at me when i walk in. i hate eating in front of ppl. and even though i use to force myself to do these things to try and get over it...i gave up. now i barely leave the house, and a lot of the time i make my husband come with me to make it a bit easier. i don't feel like i fit in with anyone and i am positive that i will say something dumb and that ppl are sitting there judging me. my hair, my size, everything i say and do. its an awful feeling. I hate being this way, its very lonely, and causes me to not really have any friends. i want to be a social butterfly...but i cant. its so much more the shyness, and i am not a snob...i just suffer from pretty bad social anxiety. here is some info on it. We can all feel nervous in social situations like job interviews or when we’re giving presentations. But if you’re so scared of interacting with others that it affects your relationships with other people or it affects your work or school performance, you may have something called social anxiety disorder. What is It? Social anxiety disorder, also known as social phobia, is a mental disorder. It belongs to a group of mental disorders called anxiety disorders. People with social anxiety disorder feel very nervous and uncomfortable in social situations like meeting new people. Or they might feel very anxious when they have to do something in front of other people, like talking in a meeting. Some people feel very anxious in both situations. People with social anxiety disorder often feel like they will say or do the wrong thing. Or they might think that other people will look down on them and think poorly of them because they’re “strange” or “stupid.” It’s important to know that adults with social anxiety disorder recognize that they feel too anxious, but they may not be able to control it. Some people may have a panic attack or feel some physical signs of anxiety when they’re facing a social situation. Common physical signs of anxiety include stomach aches, shallow breathing, sweating or feeling hot flashes, feeling like your heart is racing, feeling tightness in your chest, feeling tense and feeling shaky. Social anxiety disorder can have a very negative effect on your well-being and quality of life. The disorder can cause a lot of problems in your relationships with partners, family and friends. It can also seriously affect your school or work life. You may avoid certain careers or fields of study, avoid contributing your ideas, turn down promotions, drop out of school or take many days off because you feel so anxious. Some people with social anxiety disorder fear one or just a few specific social situations. Others fear a wide range of social situations. Could I have social anxiety disorder? It’s normal to feel a bit nervous or anxious when you have to give a speech or when you’re meeting people for the first time. But with social anxiety disorder, your anxiety is so intense that it affects many parts of your life. It might affect your school or work life, relationships, things you do for fun or your day-to-day life. These are some other signs you might have social anxiety disorder: I’m scared other people will think I’m stupid or strange if I say something wrong I’m scared to do things like join in during meetings at work or discussions at school or give presentations in front of a group of people When I’m in an uncomfortable social situation, I think other people can see how anxious I feel. I go out of my way to avoid social situations that make me anxious, and I dread situations I can’t avoid I drink a lot or use other substances to lower my anxiety before I to go to a social event If you agree with some or all of the above statements, the best thing to do is talk to your doctor. Top Who Does It Affect? Social anxiety disorder is one of the most common types of anxiety disorders, and one of the most common mental disorders. About 8% of people will experience symptoms of social anxiety disorder at some point in their life. Without treatment, social anxiety disorder can last for a long time. Unfortunately, many people never seek help for social anxiety disorder. There are some groups of people at higher risk of getting the disorder: Age—Social anxiety disorder often starts sometime between childhood and teenage years. The majority of people with social anxiety disorder say that their symptoms started before they were 18 Women—Social anxiety disorder generally affects men and women fairly equally, though women may be slightly more likely to experience the disorder than men Other mental disorder or substance use disorder—Many people with social anxiety disorder have other mental disorders like depression, panic disorder, bulimia nervosa (an eating disorder) and substance use disorders. Social anxiety disorder in children Young children usually don’t know that they are experiencing anxiety. They just know that they have stomach aches, headaches or other physical symptoms of anxiety. Children also know that they just don’t want to do certain activities. So children might express their anxiety by complaining about physical discomfort, avoiding social activities, refusing to go to school or acting out.

World Mental Health Day

I have bipolar type 1 with psychosis, I have generalized anxiety disorder, some ocd traits, i was a self harmer. I have thought about suicide more often then i can count or even remember. I have tried to attempt several times, but i learned i am not very good at it. i have been hospitalized twice. once was for a psychotic break after my last child was born, a year later was because i was severely depressed and knew i was going to try and kill myself. i have tried more meds then i can even remember...but that was before i was properly dx. i have learned a psychiatrist is key to helping mental illness, not a family doc...but a specialist. before i was properly dx i was thought to have severe depression, and was treated with antidepressants...which at one point made me manic...actually more like a mixed episode which is manic and depressed at the same time, and is VERY risky.... i got those more often then mania or hypo mania. i was probably bipolar since i was about 14 years old, but back then my cries for help went unanswered. i suffered for years alone and afraid, not knowing why i was happy and energetic and someone everyone loved to miserable and depressed, to cutting myself (i have over 100 scars) and thinking of suicide to actually attempting it. sure once i knew what bipolar was it was a relief, but still it took a couple more years before i became stable on medication and even then somedays are still a battle. its a life long condition, i will always need meds, and understanding ppl in my life....the suicide rate for ppl with bipolar is pretty high...so ya some days i am scared. but i am not scared to admit i have a mental illness and that i need help to function every day. I am proud of what i have overcome. just some ramblings i wanted to share to support World Mental Health Day before it ended. remember if you are suffering...you don't have to be alone. There is help out there.

weightloss blues

so i have been off cymbalta for a few days. defiently feeling weird and off because of that. i will go back on on thursday though so no biggie.. mostly feeling a little down about my weight. dont want to post about it on the weightloss blog as i want that to be positive. but really, i have sooo much weight to lose i am starting to think i wont be able to do it. ever. no matter what. the goal i have right now, which i know was overweight still, but i felt really good when i was at that weight. after reading about BMI's i realize that over 30 is considered to be obese still and I would be like 32. so then i was playing around with it and to get to just slightly over weight with a bmi of like 29 i would have to lose over 300lbs. (yes i havnt come right out and said what i weigh, its humilating...but you can kinda guess by this post i guess...oh well) 300lbs! is that even doable??! like ever!?? i wont give up, but i guess its never going to be my future to not be obese. why did i ever let myself get this big????? sometimes i hate myself for allowing it to happen. i am worried too that it will be harder on bipolar meds, all the side effects for my meds say weight gain....i really hope that doesnt mean i wont be able to do it. feeling frustrated today. could use some support.

Dare i say it?

yup thats right. i am fairly up and down but since my 2nd last appointment over 2 weeks ago i would dare say i am stable. my anxeity is fairly high...but i think thats the heat (my meds make me unable to deal with heat and light and my weight humidity). that and the fighting kids....but i am dealing with that fairly good considering they are alive and i am not crying in the corner in the fetal position. as long as i am able to freely vent my frustrations i can handle them. we put down my dose of cymbalata (and after weight loss i am hoping to get rid of it totally) and also my respirdol since the monring dose was making me fall asleep all the time. i have an appointment with my therapist who is helping me learn ways other then meds to cope with severe anxiety. anyways i had an appointment with Dr. tidd today and it went really well. i go back in just over a month. hopefully i can handle that long! i do get depressed with my weight, i hated seeing pics of myself from my 10th anniversary party on the weekend. man i look different then before sebastian was born, and not in a good way. and i get depressed about being unable to walk or stand much. but i have a date soon for weight loss surgery (see my other blog) and i beleive that will fix that. me and dr. tidd beleive it will help my self esteem and depression a lot. but all in all things are looking pretty good.

med change!

So i had a pysch appointment today. I told him about my anger and my rages. how i use to have them really badly before i was medicated and have been better from them for years till reccently. well he thinks it might be a side effect from cymbalta, apparently it can be known for that. So he took away my 30 mg morning dose (still getting 60 mg at night). he also increased my respirdol to 1.5 mg in the monring (still 2 at night) to also see if that helps. that and also reccently while driving i have been "seeing" kids and cars jump in front of me even though they arnt there. it just startles me but i know its not real right away. so my doc thinks its anxiety, and not pyscosis which is good to hear. but the med change should help this too. I really hope so as last night i have had one of the worst nights ever, I wont get into the details but i regret how i reacted very much. i hope this change helps me feel more like myself again.

anger.

currently i am off my cymbalta due to us not getting paid untill thursday. its weird though i feel no ill effects, and i am not sure i should go back on. i dont feel it makes that much of a difference. I still have huge mood swings and issues with feeling depressed even on the meds. currently right now i am more concerened with my anger and rages. i use to be like this before i was on respirdol (an anti pyscotic) they pretty much stopped (and they were bad) but they have picked up (not as bad) the last few weeks. and getting worse. i will talk to my doctor about this this week. i am not off those meds and never have been (they are cheap unlike cymbalta) so i dont know why this issues has creeped up. i was a bit manic...with racing thoughts and trouble sleeping so 2 weeks ago my doc raised that med from 2mg to 3. and i seem to have gotten worse right around that time, its weird. i dont like it at all. i do not like feeling like i am about to snaop at any second, and i do feel slightly homicidal towards certain ppl sometimes. so this has got to be fixed. asap.

*sigh*

I just want to feel cared about, to feel loved and wanted. (not by hubby....he always makes me feel loved and wanted) but by other friends and family. i feel like an unwanted outcast most days. i dont know if its me or the illness. what makes me feel this way? i just want ppl to show that they care...even just by little things.

Confessions of a cutter *could cause triggers*

So everyone knows that since my hospital admission 1.5 years ago i have been very open on fb and lm about my mental health. i am not ashamed, and i hope to gain awareness and compassion by telling my story. Anyways one thing i havnt really talked about is my cutting..my self harm. only those close to me, and doctors know whats really gone on with that. I have always lied to my family about it. well today i thought i was posting on a closed bipolar group (where ppl who are not members cannot see what you write) but it was actually on the 1 open bipolar group (where anyone can see what you wrote) so since ppl on my fb may have seen it i should just be open and talk about it. its something i have been through, a very hard thing to talk about...but i am not ashamed. just dont bring it up at christmas dinner please lol. anyways, i was bipolar all through my teen years although un diganosed, then in my 20's i was dx as depressed. well while i was mis dx I was put on a drug called paxil. well one thing about those with bipolar..is that antideprsants on their own can make you manic. i went crrrrrazy, i believe now knowing what i know that i was in a mixed state for a long time. I was living with brant in windsor, before we were married at the time. and i wanted to kill myself, I took knife and tried to slit my wrists. i was not brave enough to press hard enough, but the pain...seeing the blood it gave me a kind of high. and soon i was addicted. i was cutting every half hour..or less. i was a mess. soon i started carving words like "worthless" "fat" and "ugly" on my thighs. lukily those were not hard enough to scar. but my fav spot was my arms and they were really bad. a little while later i got a job at timmies, it got me out of the house..making money, getting complimented about my work...i felt a bit better. but i was still cutting at home. i couldnt stop. once i even cut at the bathroom at work with the sharp edges of a can. ppl asked all the time, i would blame the cat. but you can tell by the look in their eyes that they didnt beleive me. i had to wear long sleeves, or be asked a million questions. It was hot and embarassing. finally i got pregnant with aurora and i just felt better..i didnt feel the need to cut. but when i was really stressed or in a mixed stated i still would do it (after i had her) when lilia was born i did not cut even once during her 6.5 month battle for life. i was just so focused on her...i didnt even think that much about me and my pain. she was top piroity. afterwards i think i did a few times but it happened few and far between. finally i hadnt done it for years...then i had a pyscotic break down when sebastian was 4 months old (see my post partem post) but i can honestly say that was my last time. i hardly even think about it anymore...even when really depressed or in a mixed state its not what i resort to anymore. I have learned better coping methods. i will admit that if i see somone cutting themselves, or pictures...things we call triggers. i will crave the pain and blood again. but i dont give in..i dont want to go back to that..it was hell. last time i counted i had over 100 scars on my body...a lot more have faded (with some help) but others are still visible. but i am not ashamed....they are my war wounds..and i did win the battle.

Depression is like cancer

“Sadness is more or less like a head cold - with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.” ― Barbara Kingsolver, The Bean Trees I found this quote on a website of quotes about bipolar and depression. I think it is a strong accurate statement. I got in shit for it from a FB friend and unfriended becuase i refused to see it as insulting. I do not wish to debate this, but i will post my thoughts on why i believe this quote is true. first my grandmother died in november after a long strugle with breast cancer, my grandfather had prostate cancer and died from skin cancer...my husbands best friend died about 4 years ago from a cancer that killed him in less then a year, my sister has had skin cancer a few times. i have had friends whos children has had cancer as well...i see the struggles and pain, and althought my child did not have cancer (but she is at high risk for it) i saw her struggle to surivive. my point is quoting this quote is not to make less of those who have or are suffereing with cancer, but to point out how much those who have depression also suffer. cancer is illness, one that can be fairly easily dx, you need treatment to surivive, and it will be the fight of your life and even might end it. The same is true of depression, we struggle to surivive...against the dark thoughts, the self harm and suicide wants and even attempts. bipolar depression can not be cured, it can only be managed by treatments of meds and therapy's. and even then we have dark days. cancer affects the whole family....well so does depression..some days we cant get out of bed, we find it hard to live let alone look after and be around our loved ones. Depression can also cause physical pain. the only difference is when you have cancer your not told to snap out of it, or its just your hormonnes, your not called crazy and told to take your meds becuase you have an opinion somone doesnt agree with. your allowed to shout from the roof tops I BEAT CANCER, there are t shirts and tons of fundraisers...pink everywhere. if you are fighting cancer you are brave and loved..if you are fighting depression people dont even want to be around you. we are told to keep our depression secret, its shameful. i'm not saying those with depression have it worse, i just dont think its unfair to say that yes depression is like cancer.

new dx...

I dont know how i feel about this.So I asked my doctor if he thinks my dx of bipolar 2 is accurate? (I was dx by another dr) he sai ppl could argue a case for me for 1 or 2. but He thinks I am bipolar 1 with pyscotic features..but I don't go as deep into mania as a typical bipolar 1...so I am not a typical case. Just like lilia my dx arnt as clear cut either lol. he also agrees with the severe GAD (general anxiety disorder). i dont know what to think or feel, i told my mom about this and shes just like Ok. brant is a bit bummed becuase it is worse. ppl with bipolar are more likly to die of suicide. and bipolar 1 with pyscosis...is nothing to laugh at it. heres something i found. "Suicide, which is both a stereotypic yet highly individualized act, is a common endpoint for many patients with severe psychiatric illness. The mood disorders (depression and bipolar manic-depression) are by far the most common psychiatric conditions associated with suicide. At least 25% to 50% of patients with bipolar disorder also attempt suicide at least once." i also read somewhere that those who suffere from mixed episodes (which i do) or those who have pyscosis are more likly to commit suicide. What Are Mixed Episodes in Bipolar Disorder? Mixed episodes in bipolar disorder are a form of mental illness. In most forms of bipolar disorder, moods alternate between elevated and depressed over time. A person with mixed episodes experiences both mood "poles" -- mania and depression -- simultaneously or in rapid sequence. Technically, mixed episodes are described only in people with bipolar I disorder (not bipolar II disorder), although this distinction is expected to change as the psychiatric diagnostic classification system is currently being revised. Who Gets Mixed Bipolar Disorder? Virtually anyone can develop bipolar disorder. About 2.5% of the U.S. population suffers from some form of bipolar disorder – nearly 6 million people. Mixed episodes are common in people with bipolar I disorder. Estimates vary widely, but between 20% and 70% of people with bipolar disorder experience mixed episodes. Those who develop bipolar disorder at a younger age, particularly in adolescence, may be more likely to have mixed episodes. People who develop mixed episodes may also develop "pure" depressed or "pure" manic or hypomanic phases of bipolar illness. Most people are in their teens or early 20s when symptoms from bipolar disorder first start. Nearly everyone with mixed episodes develop bipolar disorder before age 50. People who have an immediate family member with bipolar are at higher risk. What Are the Symptoms of a Mixed Episode? Mixed episodes of bipolar disorder are defined by symptoms of mania and depression that occur at the same time, or in rapid sequence. Mania in mixed episodes usually involves irritability, racing thoughts and speech, and overactivity or agitation. Depression in mixed bipolar disorder is similar to "regular" depression, with feelings of sadness, loss of interest in activities, low energy, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide. This may seem impossible -- how can someone be manic and depressed at the same time? Because mixed manic episodes are a form of mental illness, they defy any predictable pattern of feelings or behavior. For example, a person in a mixed manic episode could be crying uncontrollably while announcing they have never felt better in their life. Or they could be exuberantly happy, only to suddenly collapse in misery. A short while later they might suddenly return to an ecstatic state. Mixed manic episodes can last from days to weeks or sometimes months, if untreated. Mixed episodes may recur and recovery can be slower than during episodes of "pure" bipolar depression or "pure" mania or hypomania. What Are the Risks of Mixed Episodes in Bipolar Disorder? The most serious risk of mixed bipolar disorder is suicide. People with bipolar disorder are 10 to 20 times more likely to commit suicide than people without bipolar disorder. Tragically, 8% to 20% of people with bipolar disorder eventually lose their lives to suicide. Evidence shows that during mixed episodes, people may be at even higher risk for suicide than people in episodes of bipolar depression. Treatment reduces the likelihood of serious depression and suicide. Lithium in particular, taken long term, reduces the risk. People with bipolar disorder are also at higher risk for substance abuse. Nearly 60% of people with bipolar disorder abuse drugs or alcohol. Substance abuse is associated with more severe or poorly controlled bipolar disorder. What Are the Treatments for Mixed Episodes of Bipolar Disorder? Mixed manic episodes generally require treatment with medication. Unfortunately, mixed episodes are more difficult to control than other episode types of bipolar disorder. The main drugs used to treat mixed manic episodes are mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. Mood Stabilizers While lithium is often considered a gold standard treatment for mania, it is thought to be less effective when mania and depression occur simultaneously, as in a mixed episode. Lithium has been used for more than 60 years to treat bipolar disorder. It can take weeks to work fully, making it better for maintenance treatment than for acute manic episodes. Blood levels of lithium must be monitored to avoid side effects. Depakote is an antiseizure medication that also levels out moods. It has a more rapid onset of action, and in some studies has been shown to be more effective than lithium for the treatment of mixed episodes. Depakote is also sometimes used "off-label" for prevention of mixed manic episodes. Some other antiseizure drugs, such as Tegretol, are also effective mood stabilizers. Antipsychotics Many atypical antipsychotic drugs are effective, FDA-approved treatments for mixed episodes. These include Zyprexa, Abilify, risperidone, Seroquel, Geodon, and Saphris. Antipsychotic drugs are also sometimes used alone or in combination with mood stabilizers for preventive treatment. Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) Despite its frightening reputation, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) is an effective treatment for mixed manic episodes. ECT can be helpful if medication fails or can't be used. Treatment for Depression in Mixed Bipolar Disorder Common antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil have been shown to worsen mania symptoms during mixed episodes without necessarily improving depressive symptoms. Most experts therefore advise against using antidepressants during mixed episodes. Mood stabilizers (particularly Depakote), as well as atypical antipsychotic drugs, are considered the first-line treatments for mixed episodes. Mixed episodes of bipolar disorder often involve recurrences of mixed, manic, or depressed phases of illness. Therefore, it is usually recommended that medications be continued in an ongoing fashion to prevent relapses

Sebastians birthday!!!!

well today sebastian turns 2....and my moods are allll over the place. but for now i just want to remember his amazing birth and how lucky i am to be his mother! here is is birth story! Afeter an okay nights sleep, i woke up to contractions at 5:30 am. they were strong, but only about every 10 mins. So i timed then for an hour, they were still pretty far apart but were becoming stronger and hard to manage. So i went and wake up brant to tell him to call in to work today. He told me to call our Doula, Sarah, and my parents. but i was worried it was false labour again and didnt want to get everyone excited. I did end up calling sarah, who said she would come right away. and then i called my dad and warned him we might need him soon. then I had a shower. while i was in the shower i had several very hard to manage contractions told brant to call my dad back and have somone come over now. Sarah got to our house at about 7:30 am, and helped me manage my contractions and timed them for me. they were about 5 mins apart now and lasting for like a min, some longer. my mom got there soon after to watch the kids. So we (sarah me and brant) went into the family room to labour alone. I tred the birthing ball and walking. but walking was casuing severe contractions, so i prefered to sit. finally i felt that we should call the midwife,sarah wanted to wait a bit longer but after a few more contractions me and brant agreed we should call now. Carly, my MW, agreed to meet us at the hospital. We got there at about 9:30 am. We ran into Carly in the parking lot, and she walked ahead of us to get settled. i was having contractions every few steps, so eventually they convicned me to use a wheelchair. Once inside i changed into a gown, and Carly checked me. i was 6-7 cm dilated. We went into the birthing room soon after. Where i changed into my own night gown. i laboured on the birth ball for a little while. but i was having issues tolerating the pain while sitting down so I kept standing up and leaning against brant for each contraction, while Sarah rolled a frozen water bottle down my back. finally I felt a great urge to push, so they tried to convince me to labour on the bed...as Carly said they didnt care what position, but prefered if i was voer soemthing softer then the floor. but if i really wanted to i could push where i was (standing beside the bed). i didnt feel comfortable doing that as i was afraid of falling over. So i finally was able to lay on the bed, and carly told me if i felt the urge to push then push as i knew my body best. So i pushed. my water broke, and things got really intense really fast, and his head was right there. Carly told me to slow down on the pushing and to breathe through a couple contractions before letting me finish pushing him out in 1 more push. Sebastian Steven mark was born at 10: 42 am, after only just 1 hour of labouring in hospital. it was completly med free and intervention free, exactly how i wanted. will post pics later.

where is the light at the end of the tunnel?

it feels hopless. i am depressed, i am irritable, i am panicky. maybe i need to be admitted? but i cant. i have things i have to do...i waited 6 months for this damn appointment on wednesday...its a way to help me with my depression, to give me a longer life. i cant.miss.it. i need to hold it together untill its over. but then its sebastians birthday....i have to be home for that. so really its not convient. i wont kill myself...i have to much i need to do. but how do i make these feelings stop? up my meds until i become a zombie? i just want to be happy again. please.

Post partem pycosis...my story.

So when sebastian was 4 months old i was admitted to the pysch ward of the london hospital for almost 2 months. some know why...but i am going to tell it again for those who dont and are curious. as much as i can remember...cuz frankly some of that time is a blur. Soon after sebastian was born i had the baby blues. i was happy he was finally here (14 days late!!!) and he was by far my favourite birthing experience. but i knew he was my last, and i was sad about that. plus i was worried about long term effects of me being on anti pyscotics while pregnant. it didnt help that soon after he was born he did have withdrawals, and shook a lot. but he still ate well and was all around a good baby. (even though i hate the phrase good baby...are there really bad babies...do they rob banks? anyways...) he was breastfeeding and was up a lot in the night...i slept in a chair in the living room. for some reason a few months befoe he was born i had this searing pain every time i layed flat...so i had to sleep sitting up for almost a full year. his bassinet was in the living room and i almost always dealt with the sleepless nights while brant slept alone upstairs. i do think my lack of proper sleeping didnt really help in my ppd. that and the fact that i was already bipolar. i dont really recall when it started to go wrong...but it did. not only was i depressed about life..but i started having visions. every time somone picked up the baby i would "see" them take their hands around the baby's neck and snap it, he would fall over limply...obviously dead. it would send me in to panic...i knew it wasnt real though, thanks goodness...so i was able to keep my panic mostly on the inside. you would think i just wouldnt let anyone handle the baby then...but no i wasnt safe either. i started to see myself do the same thing, and all of qa sudden i was scared for anyone including myself to even touch the baby for fear that they would snap his neck. i couldnt make the visions go away, and while they were happening they seemed so real. once i even "saw" aurora throw the baby in traffic and watched helplessly as car after car ran over him. i did know that no one would do this. but that didnt seem to help, finally i couldnt take the anxiety that ppl were gonna harm my baby and not even I, his mother who loved him dearly could save him...or even be a safe spot for him. I knew i was going to end my life to make it stop. i really didnt want to, but i felt i had to. so i went several time to the ER...only tp be put on more drugs and be told it would be fine. finally, i just swallowed a lot of my anti anxiety pills and a bunch of booze and waited for it to be over. it didnt work and dissapointed at being alive i finally made the ER understand how bad off i was. they decided to admit me. i stayed 4 days in the ER until there was a bed for me on the 7th floor. now one thing i did learn was...never try to kill yourself while your alone with the kids...not only would it be horrific for them if they had fiound me had it worked,. but when it didnt work and i told the nurses about the attempt....they called CAS on us. i was paniced over that, and it was a long time before they closed the case but eventually they did. once they realized i wouldnt do that again. anyways back to being admitted...they added meds, they played around..but i didnt feel better at all. i felt relief not ebing around the baby as much meant that i wasnt seeing these visions anymore...but i wanted to be home and i feared they would never stop. that i would never be well enough to be home. so while i was admitted i took even more pills, i sat there watching tv waiting for it to finally be over...while nurses knew nothing. finally i texted my friend, and told her..she called brant and told him and he called and told the nurses. they got really mad at me, and monitered me fore the night..taking my blood pressure etc..every hour. but that didnt stop me from doing it again, except i got scared that that many pills would finally do it..and i told my nurse what i had done. he was a very hot nurse and was much more understaning, he talked to me and made me felt better...again they monitered me the same way. but it was obvious i wasnt going home any time soon. finally, after almost 2 months there and a lot of work. i was well enough to come home..i was happy and the visions had stopped. unfortunly though i have struggled the most i probabaly ever have with my depression occuring frequently since then. i have severe anxiety where i am sure i am going to be raped and murdered in my sleep, or the kids taken. but these were normal worries for me. and i can honestly say i havnt seen visions of sebastians head snapping when ppl hold him since i got home from my first hospital visit.

This is how I feel...always.

“When you're surrounded by all these people, it can be lonelier than when you're by yourself. You can be in a huge crowd, but if you don't feel like you can trust anyone or talk to anybody, you feel like you're really alone.” ― Fiona Apple this is how i always feel it seems like. when you suiffer from depression it really seems like no one cares. you scream and you cry, and you beg for somone to understand you, to help you, to hold you. but really its like your drowning in water getting deeper and deeper and everyone is sitting there watching you drown but doing nothing to help you. the way i scream and cry is by posting my feelings on fb (and now on here) not having replies every time makes me feel like no one cares. which rationally i know probably isnt true, they probably just dont know what to say...but not saying anything at all does more harm. but really there is no rationality in bipolar. I have family that suffers with depression...but we dont talk about it. I try to some times, but they dont want to really acknowledge i have an illness thats so severe. and really its just easier for me to down play my emotions. like last time i was admitted for a week, i said it was for a med change. i doubt my parents really wanted to know i was there for my own safety. because i told my doctor i was going to kill myself. but thats why i was there. i have friends who have mental health issues, and you would think that they would be the most understanding...becuase i know i am when they vent to me. but mostly i get ignored texts, subject changes amd "i dont know what to say about" that when i cry for them to help me....am i really that bad off that even my bipolar (and other ilness') friends dont know what to do with me? Honestly the only person who is always there for me is brant, but is that really fair to put so much of my issues on his schoulders? he has big shoulders and he lvoes me deeply. but he shouldnt have to cover the slack from everyone else who supposdly also love me. i just want to understand why no one else seems to care. why no one in this world seems to get me. i just want to be loved, hugged and to feel understood.

appointment today...

So last week i had a crisis appointment with my shrink (i call him that because i have issues with spelling lol) we upped my meds and booked an appointment to see him again today. so the graphic images i have in my brain (will post more about those later) are not as frequent, and i find actually when i get them i am starting to be able to distract myself. blogging as been a great tool for this so far. My doc says this is great and is 110% on board with using blogging to distract and cope with my negative thoughts. so i am gonna really try to keep at it. plus maybe ppl will have a tiny idea what its like to be in my brain...if anyone actually reads this lol. anyways i cant work. not just becuase of my severe back issues but also because of my mental health issues. so i am applying to canada pension (CPP) to try and get some money every month. my doctor filled out the form no problem. thought i would share what he said before i send it in. its very surreal seeing it for the first time written down. i am not really sure what to think. anyways so it starts off mentioning my hospital admissions, both of them stating one was for being suicidal and psycotic, the 2nd time for being suicuidal and depressed. then he says... "patient has severe mood disorder, and is unable to manage a work setting due to symptoms of depression, sucidiality, severe anxiety, and occasional psycotic breaks" then TALKS ABOUT MY MEDS AND THE THERAPY I DID. (OOPS sorry hit caps and i am lazy) then just talks again about my dx, and that i require regualar visits with him and frequent crisis appointments. i think the reasons he says mood disorder and not bipolar 2 (as i was dx that by another dr a few years ago) because of the pyscotic breaks i have had. that could be a sign of bipolar 1.....but i tend to have more depression..which is more like bipolar 2,. so we are a little confuse with which one I have. anyways going to feed the kids now and go watch dancefest at aurora's school...shes an awesome dancer.

look whos back!!!

So i have decided to go back to blogging to help distract me from my depression and give me a place to let my thoughts out. hoping this will help me. now apparently i haven't used this blog in like 3 years....ooops. I thought about deleting everything and starting new but i like reading the old posts so for now i decided to keep them. the biggest change since my last post is I had another baby! sebastian was born may 23 2011. hes my little clomid baby...but we did get pregnant on the first round of it. he will be 2 this month and she just totally brighten our family up making it the perfect 2 boys and 2 girls. couldnt have asked for anything better. hes happy and healthy. regarding my bipolar, i did have a problem after the baby was born..post partem pyscosis..it was intense. maybe i'll save the details for another post entry, but basically i tried to end it all and ended up in the hospital in the pysch ward for almost 2 months. i got a great pyscatrist from it though and he follows me. i adore him, couldnt of asked for a better doctor. I was admited another time a couuple months ago, i was at risk of harming myself...but that was only a week stay and i was better. hospital admissions seem to be a part of bipolar for me, i try to advoid them when i can (cuz really they suck), but really i do want to live so if i know i am going to hurt myself i now know how to get help so that my kids still have thier mother. anyways thats my update on this blog. i have 3 that i will be trying to update regualarily.