med change!

So i had a pysch appointment today. I told him about my anger and my rages. how i use to have them really badly before i was medicated and have been better from them for years till reccently. well he thinks it might be a side effect from cymbalta, apparently it can be known for that. So he took away my 30 mg morning dose (still getting 60 mg at night). he also increased my respirdol to 1.5 mg in the monring (still 2 at night) to also see if that helps. that and also reccently while driving i have been "seeing" kids and cars jump in front of me even though they arnt there. it just startles me but i know its not real right away. so my doc thinks its anxiety, and not pyscosis which is good to hear. but the med change should help this too. I really hope so as last night i have had one of the worst nights ever, I wont get into the details but i regret how i reacted very much. i hope this change helps me feel more like myself again.

anger.

currently i am off my cymbalta due to us not getting paid untill thursday. its weird though i feel no ill effects, and i am not sure i should go back on. i dont feel it makes that much of a difference. I still have huge mood swings and issues with feeling depressed even on the meds. currently right now i am more concerened with my anger and rages. i use to be like this before i was on respirdol (an anti pyscotic) they pretty much stopped (and they were bad) but they have picked up (not as bad) the last few weeks. and getting worse. i will talk to my doctor about this this week. i am not off those meds and never have been (they are cheap unlike cymbalta) so i dont know why this issues has creeped up. i was a bit manic...with racing thoughts and trouble sleeping so 2 weeks ago my doc raised that med from 2mg to 3. and i seem to have gotten worse right around that time, its weird. i dont like it at all. i do not like feeling like i am about to snaop at any second, and i do feel slightly homicidal towards certain ppl sometimes. so this has got to be fixed. asap.

*sigh*

I just want to feel cared about, to feel loved and wanted. (not by hubby....he always makes me feel loved and wanted) but by other friends and family. i feel like an unwanted outcast most days. i dont know if its me or the illness. what makes me feel this way? i just want ppl to show that they care...even just by little things.

Confessions of a cutter *could cause triggers*

So everyone knows that since my hospital admission 1.5 years ago i have been very open on fb and lm about my mental health. i am not ashamed, and i hope to gain awareness and compassion by telling my story. Anyways one thing i havnt really talked about is my cutting..my self harm. only those close to me, and doctors know whats really gone on with that. I have always lied to my family about it. well today i thought i was posting on a closed bipolar group (where ppl who are not members cannot see what you write) but it was actually on the 1 open bipolar group (where anyone can see what you wrote) so since ppl on my fb may have seen it i should just be open and talk about it. its something i have been through, a very hard thing to talk about...but i am not ashamed. just dont bring it up at christmas dinner please lol. anyways, i was bipolar all through my teen years although un diganosed, then in my 20's i was dx as depressed. well while i was mis dx I was put on a drug called paxil. well one thing about those with bipolar..is that antideprsants on their own can make you manic. i went crrrrrazy, i believe now knowing what i know that i was in a mixed state for a long time. I was living with brant in windsor, before we were married at the time. and i wanted to kill myself, I took knife and tried to slit my wrists. i was not brave enough to press hard enough, but the pain...seeing the blood it gave me a kind of high. and soon i was addicted. i was cutting every half hour..or less. i was a mess. soon i started carving words like "worthless" "fat" and "ugly" on my thighs. lukily those were not hard enough to scar. but my fav spot was my arms and they were really bad. a little while later i got a job at timmies, it got me out of the house..making money, getting complimented about my work...i felt a bit better. but i was still cutting at home. i couldnt stop. once i even cut at the bathroom at work with the sharp edges of a can. ppl asked all the time, i would blame the cat. but you can tell by the look in their eyes that they didnt beleive me. i had to wear long sleeves, or be asked a million questions. It was hot and embarassing. finally i got pregnant with aurora and i just felt better..i didnt feel the need to cut. but when i was really stressed or in a mixed stated i still would do it (after i had her) when lilia was born i did not cut even once during her 6.5 month battle for life. i was just so focused on her...i didnt even think that much about me and my pain. she was top piroity. afterwards i think i did a few times but it happened few and far between. finally i hadnt done it for years...then i had a pyscotic break down when sebastian was 4 months old (see my post partem post) but i can honestly say that was my last time. i hardly even think about it anymore...even when really depressed or in a mixed state its not what i resort to anymore. I have learned better coping methods. i will admit that if i see somone cutting themselves, or pictures...things we call triggers. i will crave the pain and blood again. but i dont give in..i dont want to go back to that..it was hell. last time i counted i had over 100 scars on my body...a lot more have faded (with some help) but others are still visible. but i am not ashamed....they are my war wounds..and i did win the battle.

Depression is like cancer

“Sadness is more or less like a head cold - with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.” ― Barbara Kingsolver, The Bean Trees I found this quote on a website of quotes about bipolar and depression. I think it is a strong accurate statement. I got in shit for it from a FB friend and unfriended becuase i refused to see it as insulting. I do not wish to debate this, but i will post my thoughts on why i believe this quote is true. first my grandmother died in november after a long strugle with breast cancer, my grandfather had prostate cancer and died from skin cancer...my husbands best friend died about 4 years ago from a cancer that killed him in less then a year, my sister has had skin cancer a few times. i have had friends whos children has had cancer as well...i see the struggles and pain, and althought my child did not have cancer (but she is at high risk for it) i saw her struggle to surivive. my point is quoting this quote is not to make less of those who have or are suffereing with cancer, but to point out how much those who have depression also suffer. cancer is illness, one that can be fairly easily dx, you need treatment to surivive, and it will be the fight of your life and even might end it. The same is true of depression, we struggle to surivive...against the dark thoughts, the self harm and suicide wants and even attempts. bipolar depression can not be cured, it can only be managed by treatments of meds and therapy's. and even then we have dark days. cancer affects the whole family....well so does depression..some days we cant get out of bed, we find it hard to live let alone look after and be around our loved ones. Depression can also cause physical pain. the only difference is when you have cancer your not told to snap out of it, or its just your hormonnes, your not called crazy and told to take your meds becuase you have an opinion somone doesnt agree with. your allowed to shout from the roof tops I BEAT CANCER, there are t shirts and tons of fundraisers...pink everywhere. if you are fighting cancer you are brave and loved..if you are fighting depression people dont even want to be around you. we are told to keep our depression secret, its shameful. i'm not saying those with depression have it worse, i just dont think its unfair to say that yes depression is like cancer.