Confessions of a cutter *could cause triggers*

So everyone knows that since my hospital admission 1.5 years ago i have been very open on fb and lm about my mental health. i am not ashamed, and i hope to gain awareness and compassion by telling my story. Anyways one thing i havnt really talked about is my cutting..my self harm. only those close to me, and doctors know whats really gone on with that. I have always lied to my family about it. well today i thought i was posting on a closed bipolar group (where ppl who are not members cannot see what you write) but it was actually on the 1 open bipolar group (where anyone can see what you wrote) so since ppl on my fb may have seen it i should just be open and talk about it. its something i have been through, a very hard thing to talk about...but i am not ashamed. just dont bring it up at christmas dinner please lol. anyways, i was bipolar all through my teen years although un diganosed, then in my 20's i was dx as depressed. well while i was mis dx I was put on a drug called paxil. well one thing about those with bipolar..is that antideprsants on their own can make you manic. i went crrrrrazy, i believe now knowing what i know that i was in a mixed state for a long time. I was living with brant in windsor, before we were married at the time. and i wanted to kill myself, I took knife and tried to slit my wrists. i was not brave enough to press hard enough, but the pain...seeing the blood it gave me a kind of high. and soon i was addicted. i was cutting every half hour..or less. i was a mess. soon i started carving words like "worthless" "fat" and "ugly" on my thighs. lukily those were not hard enough to scar. but my fav spot was my arms and they were really bad. a little while later i got a job at timmies, it got me out of the house..making money, getting complimented about my work...i felt a bit better. but i was still cutting at home. i couldnt stop. once i even cut at the bathroom at work with the sharp edges of a can. ppl asked all the time, i would blame the cat. but you can tell by the look in their eyes that they didnt beleive me. i had to wear long sleeves, or be asked a million questions. It was hot and embarassing. finally i got pregnant with aurora and i just felt better..i didnt feel the need to cut. but when i was really stressed or in a mixed stated i still would do it (after i had her) when lilia was born i did not cut even once during her 6.5 month battle for life. i was just so focused on her...i didnt even think that much about me and my pain. she was top piroity. afterwards i think i did a few times but it happened few and far between. finally i hadnt done it for years...then i had a pyscotic break down when sebastian was 4 months old (see my post partem post) but i can honestly say that was my last time. i hardly even think about it anymore...even when really depressed or in a mixed state its not what i resort to anymore. I have learned better coping methods. i will admit that if i see somone cutting themselves, or pictures...things we call triggers. i will crave the pain and blood again. but i dont give in..i dont want to go back to that..it was hell. last time i counted i had over 100 scars on my body...a lot more have faded (with some help) but others are still visible. but i am not ashamed....they are my war wounds..and i did win the battle.